the joy of text

I'm back...just in time for another police incident...

2010-10-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

just arrived back in my little corner of the world, to my new house, and a police incident...first one car pulled up in front of the house, then another, and another, this just went on and on...i didn't know we had that many police cars in my little corner of the world! at first i was a little concerned they were here to see me, but no, they left their cars and walked down the street to who knows where...maybe there was a surprise party...a short time later, they all paraded back to their cars, sans goodie bags...i stood in the front window, folding my sexy boy shorts in the hope the cute little lesbian cop would be doing surveillance of my house...nope, she hopped into her car and left...my mind is running wild trying to come up with a crime, a good reason for her to come back to my house and frisk and strip search me...

so my latest confusion, there's "tai chi", but then there's "chai tea", wtf? it's all double dutch to me...and who names all these damn teas? or coffee for that matter...i just bought "kick ass coffee" from the kicking horse coffee company...i like it better at the market, the coffee lady takes all her scrap beans and leftovers at the end of the week and mixes them together and bags them...now that's a true coffee blend...kind of like mystery meat, or shit mix, when you take a little out of every liquor bottle in your parents house so as not to raise suspicion about missing booze...not that lulu ever did that...

must go...going to google some crime ideas as i am far too well behaved to think up any on my own...give me a week or two before you pitch in for bail...

2010-03-10T14:40:00.000-08:00

well kids...i am still on my journey...had another bus driving job for a while...

2010-01-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

2010-01-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

...bon voyage...

2010-01-24T19:55:00.000-08:00

hey kids...i'm off on an adventure...not that life here in my little corner of the world isn't an adventure...i'll try and send you postcards, until then, stay strong, fly the flag, cheers, lulu

...i popped my cherry...

2010-01-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

it's official...i popped my cherry...with the slow cooker!!...it's one of those things that's in a grey area when it comes to my intellectual homemakers group...it's a timesaver, but it's not a secret...our motto is "never let on"...but with the slow cooker, many people know it's a timesaving/cheating/lazy way to cook...i picked the easiest recipe in the book and it had canned ravioli added at the end along with frozen peas...sounds tasty doesn't it?...the ravioli was as fake dumplings, so i figure it passes the test...

...the date for my hockey debut is looming, so i thought i would try on my gear...don't buy your gear from the thrift store!...thank god i tried it on here, because the game would be over before i was dressed if i hadn't had this dry run...the pants were for someone much slimmer than your little lulu, the shin pads for someone about a foot taller, the shoulder pads for someone aromatically challenged, and the face mask for someone with no chin and jaw...i figure when the opposition sees me, they will be laughing so hard that i'll be able to skate by them and score...i love that word, score...i haven't scored in so long, it's like i'm a born again virgin!

...it's personal...but i'm not shy...

2010-01-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

well kids...lulu wants 2010 to be a year filled with vim and vigor...so...i decided to do a liver cleanse...i fasted for 6 hours then drank what seemed like a jug full of olive oil and lemon juice...i then went straight (as straight as i can get) to bed and lay on my right side for an hour with my knees curled up...today i was supposed to wake up pooping out the most exciting stuff, they even said you could put it in a pot and see the coolest things...well, i've waited all day and nothing has come out! what's with that? i have been running around in my astronaut diapers all day afraid to stray far from home...i took the buddha into the woods, but i couldn't find my "how to shit in the woods book", so i was playing fast and loose (oh i wish loose) with having to rely on memory if i had to go...why would they promise such results? it was even extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil...purest according to grandmama...

...i was thinking back to junior high school yesterday and i am amazed i can remember that far back...i went to 'pregnant hill'...half the girls in the class would take most of the semester off to have their babies...our sex education teacher was incompetent...she used to use chalk to draw ovaries on her dress...i think she just should have stressed how to defend those ovaries from the attacking sperm...our principal was a religious fanatic who used the school for some kind of freaked out rituals every weekend where they toss the people into a giant bucket of water...every monday that damn bucket would be in front of my locker...his nick name was hose nose...i should talk!...my band teacher was an old scottish guy who spent his life in military bands...we so lucked out with him...instead of being some strict, hard nosed stickler for the regimented life, he was a tippler, a really busy tippler...we used to order buses and throw our instrument cases in, hop on board and just ride around...band class with him should have counted as geography!!...

...and hot dog sales...lulu was in charge of hot dog sales...144 hotdogs every friday...we used to have to eat the leftover ones, so we used high pressure sales tactics...and home economics...that was cruel...boys were making tables and metal crafts, but girls were cooking food from the last century and then sewing a dress from the 1600's...now there were a few things that i didn't really care to eat, so i would quietly slip those ingredients into the trash...mrs. horton (no relation to tim of doughnut fame) would come and search the damn trash...i finally learned to pop the stuff into someone else's trash...i think that's what they mean by education...oh and those were the days of streaking...everyday at lunch a different guy would run across the sports fields and then spend a leisurely week at home on suspension...the guys liked to release the parking brakes off the cars of visitors, give them a little push and gleefully watch them roll down the hill...we stopped getting visitors to the school...and your lulu had to write lines...the worst one ever was five hundred of "while in this establishment of higher learning, i must refrain from keeping my physical education attire in the emerald clothing compartments"...sucks to be lulu...

...what's more dangerous...

2010-01-11T21:31:00.000-08:00

i have a bewilderment...how come the traffic sign says "slow children playing"...shouldn't we be more afraid of FAST children playing??...i drive around the slow ones like traffic pylons, but the fast ones, crap, it's like having a rabbit run in front of your car!...that's all i was going to share with you today, but since i'm here, i'll chat on a little while longer...

....in my little corner of the world, i think it is much the same as out there when it come to traffic rules...the right lane is for slower cars and the left lane is for passing...but...what i notice, is that the left lane is also the 'rich people' lane...their fancy cars are just too special and too precious to drive in the 'peoples' lane, slow or not...it's ok, i just laugh...i see all these mazaratti's or whatever and their turn indicators don't appear to work...just think, all that money for a car and it's faulty...

...stu and jack were quite naughty when they went out in the car...one day they were pulled over by the police...stu was shifting jack's 'gearshift' when the police officer said, "What's going on here?" "We're fine officer, I am just trying to put this thing into reverse"..."Well put the clutch all the way in and try jiggling the stick back and forth a few times, sometimes it just needs a lube job."...only in my little corner of the world...

...G-spot is a myth...

2010-01-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

ENGLAND

A sexual quest that has for years baffled millions of women — and men — may have

been in vain. A study by British scientists has found that the mysterious G-spot, the

sexual pleasure zone said to be possessed by some women but denied to others,

may not exist at all.

...i just read this little announcement...wtf?...kids i want you to pay heed to what i have to say...whether there really is a G-spot is neither here nor there...it's the search that counts...the adventure...santa may not exist, but we still seek him out at christmas...there may not be life on other planets, but we still actively search the heavens for it...never ever stop your quest for the G-spot...be like columbus (or is it captain kirk?) and boldly go where no man or woman has gone before...i believe...in santa, other life out there with us in space, and the G-spot...

...another little secret...

2010-01-06T21:18:00.000-08:00

you can't tell a soul, or my name will be mud in my little corner of the world...but...i brought out the electric knife!...it's sacrilegious, i know, but crap, this baby's like 25 years old and still works like a hot damn!...it was actually a wedding gift...the year i got married the trendy gift was clocks...we got big clocks, little clocks, plain clocks, fancy clocks, and some gawd awful clocks...tangent!!...mary had a little watch, she swallowed it - it's gone, now everywhere that mary goes, time marches on!...sorry but i just love that...

...oh, the electric knife...the damn thing is so fast...your lulu used to be a fishmonger (the neighbourhood cats followed me everywhere) and after years of filleting fish, my parting gift from the neighbouring butchers was a huge carving knife and steel...now when you get a gift like that, from people that are missing fingers and toes, well...i like the electric knife...one guy had to count the fingers on one hand twice to make 10...scary...

...one thing that comes to mind about the electric knife is how quickly 'the husband' turned that manly carving job over to 'the wife'...like it wasn't big and scary anymore (the knife) or it made him less of a man...BUT...when it came down to power tools, oh no, they were too scary, and too powerful and too complicated and too dangerous for 'the wife'...she had to do the grunt work, it was easier and safer...well, even before my switch to the lesbian side of the fence, i learned that power tools were 'mans' best kept secret...well HELLO...when my husband wouldn't let me use his power tools (he always offered me his special little tool) i bought my own! well someone has been telling porky pies (that's cockney for lies)...power tools are safe, power tools are easy and power tools are fun!...i've noticed that women seem to unplug drills and saws before removing bits and blades...my friend audrey who works at the ER complains about the lack of work for stitches and the like, but says not to worry, men still do routinely show up to have other appendages reattached...

...back in the saddle again...

2010-01-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

i hate to say it, but i am back to spending my time in bed...put my back out...what does that mean anyway? put it out...was it on fire?...did it have to be let out to pee?...it wouldn't be so bad, except breathing and blinking hurt, which means no toys to play with in bed...

...this has happened before to lulu...in my little corner of the world, we head straight to the chiropractor to be adjusted...i used to think i was 'well adjusted' but not any more...my last chiropractor had her office up 2 flights of stairs! figure that one out...i switched to a new one after it took me so long to get up the stairs with my gimped back, that her office was closed!...i hate walking about in public with a sore back...the little waddle and shuffle it takes to get around always invite the curious to ask questions...do you have a sore leg? did you hurt your back? are you stiff? i like to calm their curious minds by answering, "no, my hemorrhoid applicator is stuck up my ass"...the conversation usually ends there...

...happy new year and stuff...

2010-01-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

...happy new year kids!!...do you ever wonder what happens to all those party hats and banners and noisemakers after new years eve?...well, in my little corner of the world, we recycle all that, including confetti! we painstakingly cut all the letters off banners and tiaras, rearrange them, and use them for any other occasion we can spell out with the letters...it's waste not, want not, here in my little corner of the world...

...i had a lovely dinner last night...raclette...it's a cheese lovers dream come true!! you eat cheese, cheese, cheese, and more cheese...i count my blessings every minute of every of everyday, that i am not lactose intolerant! i ate my way across europe, don't remember much about the people, but oh, i can remember the cheese...and the liquor...

...i had some lovely meals in france...nothing like a plateful of rare horsemeat (cooked rare, not from rare horses) covered with hot mustard with a side of pomme frites! i think they only eat the slow horses, hence the slow food movement...and fruit de mer...seafood lovers paradise...now this enjoyable platter is choc-a-bloc with all kinds of cooked and raw seafood...many places claim to serve this authentic dish, but very few places really are authentic...unfortunately, it is usually not clear until some of the slug like creatures start walking across the table that you know the establishment has messed up with the cooked and the raw stuff...

...greece is another lovely place to eat your way across...mind you they quite often carry in their new supply of lamb, hang it up in the middle of the restaurant over a sheet of plastic, and casually carry on with their business...not usually too bad, but in the places where they leave the head and tails on, i found seafood was a lot more appetizing...something about those beady eyes staring at me as i chewed through my souvlaki and dolmades set my appetite back a few notches...have a happy new year, and make this the year that you eat your way around the world, even if it's only through cook books...remember, all real living is eating...bon appetit!!

...out to lunch...

2009-12-30T21:56:00.000-08:00

...yesterday i was out to lunch, with friends...we went to a nice quiet english pub, just outside my little corner of the world...we were laughing, not excessively, in my opinion, but people would stare and look concerned...lately i notice this most everywhere i go, and it's not always me involved with the laughing...i think people no longer enjoy or appreciate laughter...not everyone, but take a look around next time you hear hearty laughter, and notice the reaction it gets from the people in the near vicinity...

...i find it quite disturbing that laughter is no longer in vogue...oh people laugh all the time on facebook or text messaging lol, lmao...maybe i just need to come up with a hand signal for laughter or maybe a nod and a wink...well, lulu is not going to fall in line, i am going to be an asshole and LAUGH OUT LOUD and LAUGH MY ASS OFF...maybe do both at the same time (i'm ambidextrous)!! maybe it's the 'prozac nation' thing, but if that's the case, did the 'prozac' kill the laughter, or did the laughter stop and have to be replaced by the 'prozac'?...

...not to worry...that was just the sound of me falling off my soapbox...well, once again the big underwear conversation came up...it seems to follow me everywhere i go...kind of like that clingy underwear that creeps up your butt as the day wears on...i used to just give up and walk around like i had a package hidden there...

...this time it was about women and what they wear ~ 'man panties' (boy shorts to girly grrrls), thongs, good old regular panties, or going commando (i would have thought that with all the gear they give commandos, underwear would have been in a pocket somewhere)...you'd be surprised who wears what...looks can be deceiving...i think underwear says something about your personality...it's the most intimate thing that your wear...you have to like how it feels, how it makes you feel...i think the 'assholes' out there in the world are people who don't have a good relationship with their underwear...take a moment right now, and really think about your relationship with underwear...if you don't feel good down there, 2010 is the year for you to head out on an underwear adventure...

...i used to be domesticated...

2009-12-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

...hope you are starting to feel better as all that overeating shifts through your body...i got a super gift from my friends at "the international association of intellectual homemakers'...it's oil for my little burner and get this...it's called "air dried linen"...makes my house smell like i have just done heaps of ironing...god they are good!...

...before katie potato sprung from my loins, i had a long stretch of insomnia, so late in the wee hours, i would do ironing, obsessively...i ironed everything except socks...sometimes i put so much starch on the sheets they crackled when i climbed into bed and i walked a little funny from my stiff underwear (don't even go there, degenerates!)...

...well after my kp was born, there was no time for ironing, of anything...this lasted for quite a while, until katie potato went to nursery school and pointed to the play ironing board and asked, "mommy, what's that??"...nailed...so i ironed more frequently after that, but mostly only stuff the nursery school moms would see...that was my ticket into "the international association of intellectual homemakers"...

...losing at boxing day...

2009-12-27T18:09:00.001-08:00

...happy dec 27th...yesterday was boxing day and in my little corner of the world, we do just that...BOXING! back in the day, i was a pretty skilled boxer, today, not so much...so your little lulu is sporting 2 black eyes and a fat lip...loser?...no kids, there are no losers (except richard simmons and he chooses to be!)...the nice thing is that today, there are no hard feelings, just love, love, love in my little corner of the world...

...i suppose all of you got some lovely gifts...my favourites are the ones you can find many more uses for, other than what they are 'marketed' for...check this out...

sweater defuzzer

"Nothing says old and worn like ugly pills on sweaters, knits, and mufflers (my mechanic never mentioned that before). Revitalize your wardrobe favourites with this magic de-fuzzer. It's powerful safety-shielded rotary blades remove pills and pulls in seconds without harming the knit (or the environment). Leaves garments smooth and re-newed. Features ergonomic design for easy handling, quick-empty pill tank and blade cover. Complete with elegant chrome bezel and a faceted crystal accent at the power button."

...doesn't come with a headlight but you can't expect them to think of everything...so, i figure i can use it for sweaters and the like, but my mind wanders and wonders, what else can i use this beauty for?...the easy one of course, is peaches (and kiwi fruit), then maybe my sideburns and hairy chin (i think it would take only the hair and leave the wrinkles intact), or did you ever know one of those people with a big, long, fat whisker poking out of a mole on their face? "here, let me get that for you"...probably intimate areas scheduled for hair removal (crap, no razor offers features like this!), taking the mould off bread and cheese...it boggles the mind...and my mother thought she only gave me a sweater de-fuzzer...

...there's no place like homo for the holidays...

2009-12-23T06:04:00.000-08:00

good morning...i actually slept last night! the night before, not so much...i think it's because i got into my latest literary acquisition, "caffeine for the creative mind"...christmas is such a gay time..."don we now our gay apparel"..."make the yuletide gay"...amen sister..."there's no place like homo for the holidays"..."i'll be homo for christmas"...oh, sorry, typos...still, i love hearing and seeing people who usually find 'gay' offensive, singing merrily along with a happy smile on their face...it's not so difficult...peace on earth, in my lifetime, please...xox

it's a wrap...

2009-12-22T03:55:00.000-08:00

...'tis the season of scotch tape and ribbon, gift wrap and tags...in my little corner of the world, i've got christmas all wrapped up...one slight glitch on my end...i am impotent...when it comes to wrapping...oh i have tried every paper, tape, ribbon and folding style known to exist in this and that world, and still not been able to get the job done...never have i experienced, even once, that wonderful japanese feeling of origasmi paper folding...

...i no longer need to fill in the 'from' section on my gift tags...it's blatantly obvious when a gift comes from me...i like to imagine that the recipient looks at the wrap and considers it some kind of modern art or eccentricity, but i know that in my little corner of the world, the cat's out of the bag so to speak...lulu is all thumbs, just like sissy hankshaw in 'even cowgirls get the blues'...

...what kind of gift unwrapper are you? do you painstakingly untie the ribbon, take the pen knife and carefully cut the seams to keep the paper in it's pristine state? or do you violently stretch that ribbon off and tear at the paper with reckless abandon?...

...names of places...

2009-12-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

...i like to know how places came to be named and the origins of names...so when i travelled outside of my little corner of the world to go tubing down the river...the cowichan river...well...

couch in river...

...family dinners...

2009-12-19T15:50:00.000-08:00

i was just thinking about family dinners ......in my little corner of the world, when i was growing up, we had sunday dinners at grandmama's house...she was a remarkable cook and we had lovely dinners...until after desert when the games came out...oh my god...grandmama, would cheat, blatantly cheat, and god help anybody who called her on it...we finally learned that losing has a time and a place, and for us, this was it...

...there were many times as we were growing up, that my brother and i would end up for dinner with grandmama and pop...she would have the table set, with seating for 12, and sit my brother and i at one end with her, and pop at the head of the table, surrounded by 8 empty chairs...now pop was getting hard of hearing after all those years spent riding the fire truck, so the conversation never reached him...i finally found the good sense that after dinner was served, i would take my whole dinner set up with me, and move down to pop at the other end of the table...i would occasionally wave and nod back down the length of the table much to the displeasure of grandmama...she may have been surrounded by all her crystal finery at the other end, but pop and i were right smack next to the liquor cabinet...we had some dandy chats at the far, far away end of the table...

...when grandmama no longer was up to cooking, we went out for dinner every sunday...scary...we would book the reservations under a different name every week, so as to be allowed back at some time in the future...she was lethal...absolutely nothing was ever right with her, or with her food...and she very clearly let them know just what those problems were...at the end of the evening, we would leave a hefty tip as an apology to the servers and staff...

...well one day, grandmama wanted to treat us to dinner...she was the poster girl of bad behavior, and the waitress who drew the short straw and got our table was very obviously expecting a baby...never in my life have i seen a waitress be put through what she was...she was basically told that her baby had better be a girl...and what names had been picked out, and why don't you call 'her' blanety blank?...all on top of grandmama's infamous behavior...now grandmama was no tipper so as we left the restaurant i said to my father, "don't worry, i went and left the waitress a big tip"..."no, i left the waitress a big tip" and my brother chimes in, "i left the waitress a big tip"...that sweet girl earned every penny...

...it's not what you think...really...

2009-12-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

it's not what you think...really...i didn't fall back into bed for the day again...i missed yesterday because i was in the slammer!!...my lawyer has told me not to speak of the matter while it is before the courts...

...actually...lulu was arrested once...not arrested - held for questioning...and certainly not in my little corner of the world...i'm sure it was just a big misunderstanding or something...maybe a case of mistaken identity...but scary none the less...

...my co-accused, actually the accused, since i was only held for questioning and not arrested, is in heaven now, no- it wasn't the electric chair, so i will speak of the incident...i was just sitting on the couch, minding my own business when BANG! the door bursts open and these guys with guns drawn barge in...scared the shit out of me...maybe more like i was sure i was peeing my pants (flare leg levis, the style at the time)...then this guy starts frisking me and says he is looking for my 'luger'...i thought he was perverted or something...i had absolutely no idea what 'my luger' was, but if it was anything like my g-spot, good luck finding it!...

...next i was handcuffed to my friend...me 5'9" tall, her 5'2" with the same hands, which meant while we rode in the shiny police car (sans siren), my arm was out of it's socket to reach across to her...on arrival at the station, (thankfully women's equality was only just starting to kick in) there was no angie dickinson (google it kids) kinda cop there, so i didn't get strip searched...oh and i was allowed to pee by myself, although by that time i don't think i would have cared who was watching...

...the 'chatting' began with the 'good cop', everybody's friend, kinder and sweeter than a little old lady...only too soon to be followed by the 'bad cop'...oh it is so true kids...good cop, bad cop...i would think they should give you the 'bad cop' first and then you would be so glad to be with your new friend, the 'good cop' ,that you would willingly spill the beans...not that i had any beans to spill...

...now at that very hour, i was supposed to be picking my aunt up at work, so mr. bad cop phones her and says, "your niece has been arrested and won't be coming to pick you up, you'll have arrange another ride home"...to which my aunt gleefully replied, "oh, good one, who is this?" bc "it's sgt. bad cop from the police department" aunt, "you're too funny...almost had me there..." bc "this IS sgt. bad cop from the police dept.!" aunt "no really, you're good...now tell lulu i'll see her when she gets here"....i thought mr. bad cop was going to explode, he was mad as hell!...he then held the receiver in front of my face and said tell her you won't be picking her up, which i did and he then slammed down the receiver...i expected to be tied to a chair after that, but he just left...and then after leaving me sitting in a room by my self for an hour, the 'good cop' entered and said "we have no business with you, you're free to go"...whew...by the way, where is my luger?? 'feloniuosly' yours, lulu

...hair...

2009-12-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

...do you remember the song "hair"? it was like late '60's, and most people knew it because the 'cowsills' (what kind of name is that?) sang it on the am radio (as opposed to fm)...but...it was really from the broadway musical "HAIR"...

...great auntie nonie wanted to buy us a record so she happily picked up "hair", but it wasn't the 'cowsills', nope, it was freaked out, drugged out, sexed out, hippies...and we loved it!...thankfully my sister was old enough to realize the opportunity that had been dropped in our laps, so she quickly filed it with all the happy records and we only listened to it when the 'rents were out of the house...

...we should have charged admission to all the kids we had in to listen over the years...it was a treasure, that's for sure...it had words i still don't know the meaning of, yet sang along to for years...never at home mind you...and it got me thinking about hair...as i was drying 'the buddha' (i can call him that again, as is fur is growing back and he's not so embarrassed anymore) thoughts of hair, all kinds of hair popped into my head...

...hair really is a personal sort of thing, whether it's your own or somebody elses...i would like to see the same standards and expectations applied across the gender spectrum...it would be a kinder, sweeter world, if everybody shaved their armpits...and legs, and definitely moustaches (come on brenda, at least get it waxed!) beards are quite dirty, crap, you can track a man's last three meals on his beard! (same goes for the beard brenda)...hair doesn't belong on backs and people who flaunt it should have it singed off (just a word of warning brenda)...i mean, if homo sapiens (don't you just love it that we are all homos) were supposed to have hairy backs, we would still have tails and swing from trees...you know, the fact that we eat bananas is worrying to me...

...now, i keep my eyes shut in the change room and shower at the pool, so i don't know what style people are going with when it comes to the short and the curlys...i especially keep my eyes closed in the men's change room...those things scare me!!...but, my friends at the day spa say that waxing is in, and bare is what to wear in my little corner of the world...waxing hairy men does kind of make up for not experiencing the pain of childbirth...maybe i'll book a time at the day spa, just to go and watch...they have a great rate for spectators...

...i got out of bed today kids, just for you...

2009-12-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

...i got out of bed today kids, just for you!...no...the batteries died...still, i could have turned to old fashioned wind up toys, and i didn't...

...i ran into an old friend, and remembering other old friends, took me back to childhood and the next door neighbours...my brother was extremely well behaved and ever so polite...those genes never filtered down to me, as many of you will attest to...when he was just a wee tot, the teenager next door was named norma, and i guess she was yelled at a lot, so he came to believe that 'norma' was a swear word...when he got really cheesed off he would shout "you norma!!"...and feel much better about everything...

...so what is it with swearing anyway, who decides, besides my dear late father xox, just what is swearing?...we got spanked for swearing when i was a kid and let me tell you, there were a lot more swear words then, than there are now...but really, what is it that makes a word 'bad'?...in this politically correct minefield we walk through now, tons of words that can be plain and simple, also get interpreted as hate if put in the wrong context...i think that's why i like the word fuck...there are no people named fuck, no people from fuck, etc. so really why is fuck a swear word, a 'bad' word?...

...i say fuck a lot when i am tired...it seems to appear in my conversation like it had a mind of it's own, even when i'm writing...i tend not to go back and pretty my writing up, clean it up, so there it stays...in speech, i think i say fuck, fucking, fuckin', fucked like an oral exclamation mark, like it will pull out the energy and emphasis that my other words just don't seem to project...

...kids, think about what it is that you say, either out loud or to yourself (or even on paper like me), when you 'lose it'...why do you say that? does it feel good? is it bad? is it nasty? shocking? need to have your mouth washed out with soap?...now what the fuck is that all about? washing the dirty words away? 'too late mommy, they are gone, and if anything needs washing now, it would be YOUR ears'...my parents saved soap for the really dirty bits, like hands, feet and bums ('bum, bum'...that was a swear word in lulu's little corner of the childhood world)...do i just curse, or am i cursed?

...i know...i don't need any comments from the peanut gallery...

2009-12-14T16:58:00.000-08:00

...i know...another day passed where i didn't get out of bed...but crap, you only live once...the batteries will wear out soon...so today i am sharing photos from my trip to altamont (not in my little corner of the world) and as you will see, things are a little different, a little slower...

...here we go...

i am starting off with the altamont united church...because...the road to heaven is paved with good intentions...i don't start out looking for trouble...it just kind of finds me...

as you can see, there is a bat on this sign...well, altamont has one day that's completely devoted to bats...the townspeople gather in the curling rink (in the summer when there's no ice) and mark a grid on the floor...then, they set up picnic tables and around the outside of the rink and start to party...they serve bat in every manner of cooking...hot wings, bat pot pie, bat kabobs, bat in apsic, pickled bat's feet, bat wraps, 'batchos' and 'guanamole', you name it...people buy sections of the grid and the first spot to get bat shit wins the big prize...it's an exciting day that the townsfolk look forward to all year...

this is the inside of the altamont hotel bar...i stayed there one night when i had one beer and a juice too many and i was too heavy to cart out the door...

they don't have phones here in altamont, so people go to the bar and write a note on the ceiling for their friends and family to see...

as with most modern towns, smoking must take place outside of the bars and restaurants, so here is the altamont smoking sectional...

this is a photo of my nephew barney who lives in altamont...he's the best child, good as gold...barely hear a peep out of him...altamont definitely is a quiet place...

and lastly, no trip to altamont would be complete without seeing the world's biggest rubber ducky...bert told me that ernie has wet dreams about this one...

...i'm so creeped out...

2009-12-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

oh kids...today i went to google maps and entered my cousin's address, and oh my god!! if you select street view, it practically looks in the bedroom window!! thank god we don't let those google stalker creeps in my little corner of the world!...

...my friend anais was so right about big brother...but what is creepy is it's not the government watching you...it's people like me! right in my cousin's bedroom window (nothing exciting happens in there anyway...not that i would know)...so i suppose i have lost all of you to google maps now to start your own hobby of cyber stalking...probably wouldn't be so bad if they would let you know they were coming before they show up...the stuff you can see through some peoples' windows...i can only imagine...love is blind but not the neighbours......or those google cyber stalkers!...

...the only glimpse i want you to get of my little corner of the world, is what i share with you here...

...a nasty habit...

2009-12-11T09:22:00.000-08:00

...oh kids...i am so sorry i didn't write yesterday...i'll be honest with you...between bed rest and wearing the nun outfit, i have developed a nasty habit...i stay in bed most of the day and amuse myself...yesterday, i just never bothered to leave that and get out of bed... and today is hanukkah

(happy hanukkah!!!) and because i make a point of not leaving my glue gun near the bed, i haven't made my menorah...or decorated or anything...

...if you haven't yet noticed, my mind does indeed tend to wander...today i was remembering a trip with my father in my younger days, when the two of us hit "the continent" (that's europe), incontinent - that's something completely different...we ended up the first night in brussels, the city famous for not only it's baby cabbages, but famous for something far more precious as well...Manneken Pis...

...belgium is not known for keeping secrets...we all know about their chocolate, waffles, brussel sprouts, and to the observant, fries with mayonnaise, but...the secret they keep is manneken pis...

Manneken Pis (help·info) (Dutch for little man urinating), also known in French as the petit Julien, is a famous Brussels landmark. It is a small bronze fountain sculpture depicting a naked little boy urinating into the fountain's basin. It was designed by Jerome Duquesnoy and put in place in 1618 or 1619.

...it's not often in my little corner of the world that we hear about belgium, or what the people living there are up to, but i for one am ready to find out once and for all...i was 16 years old the first time i was there, so i was a bit naive...but these people must be having the time of their lives, everyday, all day...you absolutely have to check this out!

ELVIS

MOZART

BADEN POWELL

FIELD HOCKEY

CARNIVAL

ST. PATRICK'S BRIGADE

DIABLADA

TIBETAN MONK

NELSON MANDALA

REPORTER

GAY PRIDE

...any place with people that can have this much fun and not take themselves so fucking seriously, is a place i want to go...i thought life was a breeze in my little corner of the world, but WOW!!! Belgium kicks ass!!...

...merry, merry, quite contrary...

2009-12-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

...merry, merry, quite contrary...i do try to be merry, really i do...to prove it, i thought i would break with tradition, let the cat out of the bag so to speak, and share a bit of how we celebrate in my little corner of the world...i will carry on with the 3 kings, no, not more queries, just celebrating stuff...

...ok, so january 6 is epiphany (3 kings day) that's the day we move the 3 kings over to the manger to see the wee baby...we bake a cake that day and we put a broad bean in it...whoever gets the broad bean gets to be king for a day, or at stu and jack's house, queen for a day...oh no wait, at their house someone always is queen for a day, a very long day...when i am short on cake i change it, so that whoever gets the broad bean gets to be housecleaner for a day...makes that cake go a lot farther!...so here's the recipe for 3 kings cake...

you will need:

250g butter or (margarine...NOT)

250g sugar

4 eggs

125g glace cherries, halved

100g chopped nuts

250g self rising flour (resurrection flour)

grated behind of lemon

pinch of cinnamon

1 dried bean

1 tbsp. melted honey for glazing the cake

Grease and line a 30 cm tin. Cream the butter and sugar together and stir in the well beaten eggs. (as opposed to the just worked over ones). Sift the flour and cinnamon and gradually fold into the mixture, alternately with the cherries and nuts and lemon behind. Add the bean. Pour into the prepared tin and bake at 160 C (325 F) for 1.5 - 2 hours, until a skewer comes clean.

Leave in the tin for 15 minutes before turning out on a wire rack. Glaze the cake with the melted honey. Make a crown from a strip of gold card (or use your real crown, princess) Crown the cake before serving.

...this is our nativity scene...katie potato made these figures (mary has alopecia...maybe a B-12 deficiency)...jesus doesn't get to go to the stable until dec. 25 at 2:37 am, the time he sprung from mary's loins...at about 11:30 pm christmas eve, we give mary her epidural, and then all is calm and all is bright...12 days later...surprise! the 3 kings, bearing gifts (that 'bearing' word makes mary cringe)...

....rise and shine...

2009-12-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

hi kids...rise and shine...sorry i didn't write to you yesterday...i overslept...that's what happens when a girl has all day to amuse herself in bed...once again i am filled with questions...this time regarding the three kings, the three wise men, the magi...

...first off, i am going to show you this year's christmas card...most of you won't be getting one, so i'm not spoiling anything for you...

the three kings

...now, there's no question these guys are whiter than 'wonder bread' right?...it varies greatly out there, but the general consensus is that:

there were 3 kings...all points bulletin...

Balthazar ~ white male, late sixties, 5'6"average build, long white hair and beard, a little hard of hearing, carrying a box of gold, following the eastern star or may be heading home to arabia ~

Caspar ~ male, late fifities, about 5' 10", slim build, ruddy complexion, long dark hair and beard, carrying a chalice of frankincense, following the eastern star or may be heading home to india ~

Melchior ~ black male late fifties, 6' tall, 200 lbs., long black hair and beard, well spoken, carrying a chalice of myrrh, following the eastern star or may be heading home to persia ~

...not quite the picture i have on my card...so...i looked at the three kings that i have for this years epiphany...

the three kings

...i've got the black king now, but there is no old white haired king, although to me, the short king looks older than the rest...Balthazar is supposed to be carrying the gold, not Caspar...the nice thing about these kings is that i can pull out the acrylics and make them look right...although they will still be carrying the wrong gifts...

the three kings/the three wise men/the three wise guys...larry, curley, and moe

...ok, i've got my black king carrying the right gift, but my old man has no hair, and my ruddy man has no gift...what's with that?...

...doesn't it make you wonder who decides all these things? what inspires a person to take artistic license with the nativity? what happened to the three kings? did they turn around and go home because there was no room at the inn? or had a few people checked out by the time they got there?...

...my mind likes to wander off and wonder things...if the three kings were going to the birth of the child of light today, they would be carrying an american express gold card, glade plug-in air freshener, and formaldehyde...oh and following a garmin gps...and they would have definite reservations for hotel rooms booked through expedia...

...bed rest day 3...

2009-12-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

...screw bed rest...i may stay in bed, but i am going to amuse myself here all day long...so before i am otherwise engaged...i will share one of my best christmas secrets with you...to you, in your corner of the world, from me, in my little corner of the world...first, hide the kids...no! that's not the secret, although i have tried that and it works...for a while...i mean don't let the kids read this...

...take several sheets of newspaper, put a folded garbage bag under for protection from leaks, and pour out a can of black beans on to the papers (not refried beans, or the kids will think the reindeer are lactose intolerant)...it looks exactly like reindeer poop!! if you're like me, and enjoy freaking the kids out, pick some up and pop it in your mouth (NB. always confirm that the stuff in your hands is black beans and not real reindeer poop ~ the real stuff smells a little different and tastes AWFUL!)...

...so, i pull the plug on my connection to your corner of the world and retire to bed, in my little corner of the world, to amuse myself...as always...lulu xox

...bed rest day 2...

2009-12-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

...first off, no...i did not have a bungy jumping accident (although i am trying to keep up the nerve to go bungy jumping next valentines day...it's free if you go naked, and what a practical way to be when it scares the shit out of me)...just a virus...i think i caught it from my computer, i heard you can get viruses that way...so, short of taking 'stephen' (the buddha) and his sister out to pee and poop...i am lying on my mattre$$ today...

...you have never seen anything like 'stephen' (the buddha) when he has to decide where to park his poop...it's like he's investing millions of dollars in an apartment complex so it all boils down to location, location, location...fussy!...i knew i should have toilet trained him...shoulda, coulda, woulda...

...bed rest...

2009-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

...lulu's sick in bed today...but, before you feel sorry for me, check out my mattress...

...life is lucrative in my little corner of the world...

...hammacher schlemmer...

2009-12-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

...hammacher schlemmer..."Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 161 years."...i discovered this treasure trove of 'the best, the only, and the unexpected' over 20 years ago, thankfully before computers were the rage, or internet was rolling along...i say thankfully, because going to their website, while it may show and describe items, is not nearly as amazing as looking through their catalogues, which they will gladly mail out, even to my little corner of the world...a lot of their stuff is outrageous and over the top...who would buy that? who can afford that?....like "the junior 35 mph 2/3 scale corvette" $32,000 or "the her majesty the queen's rocking horse" $15,000 or "the 13 mph ridable cooler" $499.95 yes, three wheeled electric RIDABLE cooler!...

...but to me some stuff is so kickass and they carry a lot of items to assist with medical conditions...from "the authentic james t. kirk captain's chair" at $2,900 to "arthritis pain relieving gloves" at $49.95...other notable items..."the telekinetic obstacle course" $99.95 ~ "the bottle of wine glass" $24.95 holds a whole bottle so makes a great gift for the lush in your life ~ "the marshmallow shooter" $24.95 yes, it shoots marshmallows, admit it, you've always wanted one ~ "the personal oxygen bar" $299.95 ~ "the ferrari xx pedal car" $3000, carries up to 300lbs. ~ "the animatronic singing and talking elvis" only $129.95! it's tempting ~ "the world's largest crossword puzzle 7' by 7' " $29.95 ~ "the best nose hair trimmer" $24.95 a liitle too personal of a gift in my litle corner of the world ~ "the undercover cat teaser" $29.95 i was married to one of these for 10 years!...

...and "the upside down tomato garden" $79.95 ...i tried growing my regular tomato plants upside down and they decided to bend in half and grow towards the sun...maybe you need australian tomato plants to grow down under...i knew of 'some kids' who told their great auntie nonie that the marijuana plants on the patio were australian tomato plants, to which 87 year old auntie nonie replied, "they look just like marijuana!"...sucks to be lulu no, i mean sucks to be 'some kids'...

...what ever happened to...

2009-12-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

...if you're like me, you must be wondering what happened to gumby and polkey...well, after much research and wild goose chases, i have the answer...

mahatma gumbhi...

man of peace

...polkey...unfortunately did not fare so well...actually polkey was a she...her entertainment career ended when her looks faded, so she went into the hormone business...when urinary incontinence forced her to retire...she turned into a recluse and sadly, ended up consumed by the restaurant industry...

...when we were little tykes, we would ask our father for a pony and he would gladly reply, "you've got it kiddo!"...then he would run to the store and pick each of us up a can of dr. ballard's dog food...horsemeat..."here you are...pony in a can"...and you wonder why i am in therapy...

lulu with her brother

and sister...the 60's were

full of nerdy pictures in my

little corner of the world...

...pink freud, the wine, not the album...

2009-12-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

well kids...in my little corner of the world we like our wine 'punny'...like tonight, a nice blush (what's with that?) wine called 'pink freud'...nice name, nice colour (if 'blush' does it for you)...but it tastes a bit 'freud'...a little different...not like all the others...doesn't appeal to everyone...as opposed to 'pink floyd'...they appeal to eveyone in my little corner of the world...today i had what we here like to call a "meltdown"...no...i didn't tear out my hair, no...i didn't take the name of the lord in vain (what the hell does that mean, anyways, and is it vain or vein??)...nope, i just had hissy fits trying to rehang my curtains, or they might be drapes...i can never tell them apart...after stepping back and taking the buddha, oh, i mean 'stephen', out to poop on the neighbours lawn, i felt much better...i finally got my left 'klompen' off without the loss of too much flesh...a neighbour of mine just planted 700 gloves of garlic...we don't expect "twilight" in my little corner of the world anytime soon...and so, after much conversation with 'pink freud' i don't blame my mother and i am anal retentive...ask anyone, they will tell you i am full of shit!! love and stuff, lulu xox

...i'm so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...

2009-11-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

...i am so excited i could scream (but every time i do, the neighbours call the rescue squad)...after keeping my legs and fingers crossed (grandmama's method of birth control) hoping for good luck, it has happened...one of the biggest days of my life...today, i got my first big girl pair of wooden shoes...i was one of the last people in my little corner of the world to get some...i felt so left out when my feet didn't klomp (klompen...dutch for wooden shoes) when i walked down the street...not now though...one slight technical difficulty though...i can't get the left one off...even the crisco hasn't worked...dennis has offered to chisel away at it, but i think i'll just lop off a little bit of foot...

look at those beauties...the shoes

aren't too shabby either...

my feet are so photogenic...

st. nicholas is going to be so

cheesed off (gouda in case you

were wondering) about these...

he'll need to double the goodies

to fill up this good girl's shoes...

....lulu's new (sexual) revolution...

2009-11-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

...cocktail partying always end up with the conversation at some point turning to who's 'gay' and who's 'straight'...oh and for my friend jeanette, the worst of all, this freaks her right out...who is 'bi'...in my little corner of the world, we think all people are all things and it just comes down to who you love...

...i am tired of terms and labels used to describe a person's sexuality...but, since i can't seem to make that change, i am adding to the problem, with a solution, so at least if someone is getting labeled for their sexuality, it is a little more specific and has a few more categories...and, because i had the highest mark (99%) in my medical terminology class at the college, i feel i am more than qualified to perform this task...

aer(o) - air, gas - aerosexual ~ does the sexual version of air guitar...most often performs alone...

articul(o) - joint - articulosexual ~ wants only very flexible sexual partners, a lot of circus performers fall into this group...

blephar(o) - eyelid - blepharosexual ~ will only particpate in sex if ALL eyes are closed, that means of all participants, all photos and paintings on the walls, and all pets, including fish...

chlor(o) - denoting a green colour - chlorosexual ~ is only attracted to people wearing all green, the irish, martians, or alligator purses...

dynam(o) - force, energy, power - dynamosexual ~ is too much for most people, has a 'hard' time finding partners strong enough to last their charge...

ect(o) - outside - ectosexual ~ will only participate in sexual relations out of doors (these people frequently get rashes and ant bites)...

halluc - to wander in mind - hallucosexual ~ a person who only has imaginary sex...not to be confused with masturbation, which is alone sex outside of your head...

myc(o) - fungus - mycosexual ~ only sexually attracted to mushrooms...these people spend a lot of time in the dark and damp and usually have a slight manure smell to them...

normo - normal - normosexual ~ normal sexuals...whatever the hell that is!!...

pachy - thick - pachysexual ~ i don't know if this is an attraction to people that are a bit thick, or whether they like to have sex with elephants...

poly - a duality - polysexual ~ is only sexually attacted to twins...

pseudo - false or fake - pseudosexual ~ only attracted to people who fake the big one (think when harry met sally)...

quadr(i) - four - quadrisexual~ will only have sex in foursomes...

scoli(o) - twisted - scoliosexual ~ your classic pervert...

therm(o) - heat - thermosexual ~ only participates in hot sex...

xen (o) - foreign, different - xenosexual ~ only has sex with foreigners or oddballs...

...so those of you who like to wear or give labels, here are some new and exciting options for you, and i think you may have to get to know a person a little better before you can accurately label them...all real living is meeting...

...the buddha got shaved, really shaved...

2009-11-29T09:30:00.000-08:00

...well kids, the buddha got shaved, really shaved...i won't post any photos as he is quite embarrassed about it... he has taken to wearing dark glasses and a floppy hat...i think he's more embarrassed that he doesn't have the twins anymore...used to be pretty cocky (no pun intended) when he had jimmy and the twins swinging in the breeze for all to see...since he got neutered ( i told him he was going to go to the vets to get 'tutored'...not quite the lesson he was hoping for!)...i think he feels he has lost one, well two actually, of his dominant features...still, jimmy is no small fry, looks like a 5th leg or a tail, no, it's bigger than his tail, must be a 5th leg!...

...gone are the days when he would swagger into the vets to see the semen collector...what kind of job is that anyway..."hi honey, i'm home...oh, work was great, i jerked off 6 dogs today, how was your day?"...anyway, now that he isn't making donations at the vet, he's not keen on going there. he'll never go back now, because there is only one thing left to 'snip'...maybe dr. wannemaker can help him get through this tough time...she's a bitch!...just kidding dr. w...xox

ps...the buddha has just requested that until his hair has grown back, i am to call him 'stephen'...

...i got a new outfit yesterday...

2009-11-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

...i got a new outfit yesterday...basic black, with a little white around the face...almost wore it to parent teacher interviews last night but...i couldn't find my rosaries!...it's a habit...a nasty habit...how cool would that have been for me to show up at parent teacher interviews in a nun costume!! the answers that i could have received from the kind of questions i would have asked would have been stunning...and oh so honest...i may take to wearing the outfit when i am not in my little corner of the world...most people here know me well enough to realize hell would have to freeze over before 'they' would let me become a nun...utter nunsense!...

Our Lady of Immaculate Misconception

...oscar wilde is my hero...

2009-11-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

hey kids...i took a quiz to find out which crazy writer i am most like and it's...Oscar Wilde!!!

he's my hero...this is so kick-ass!! here's what it said:

"You are funny, witty, charming...and have um, "unique" personal tastes. You like to have fun, you don't hide who you are, and you don't particularly give a damn what people think about you; you're just as likely to be seen in an all-male Amsterdam brothel as a London literary society dinner. You see beauty in life, and humour in tragedy. If it weren't for the hosts' fears of you saying or doing something indecent, you might very well be the perfect dinner companion."

...i see a resemblance...

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

"True friends stab you in the front."

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."

"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train."

"Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one."

"Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about."

"There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathize with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better."

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

2009-11-26T17:37:00.000-08:00

...more photo journalism from my little corner of the world...

mr. gnomie...making mushrooms

we don't have helmet laws

here so many people wear

boxes on their heads...

this is where the

'nakeds' live...

our local gingerbread house...

the last local kids caught

eating here, were never seen

or heard from again...

one of the many local

marshmallow farms to be

found in my little corner

of the world...

we don't have anything quite

like stonehenge here, so we

improvise...

mother nature's barcode...

the back forty...

...every day is a holiday in my little corner of the world...

2009-11-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

...when most people think of december special days, the first thought is christmas...but december is full of special days...some are quite serious and remind us that we still do have our work cut out for us in all corners of the world...others, not so much...i happened to come across one of our reference books from our 'international association of intellectual homemakers' library, and you may be shocked to know it is, "heloise...hints for all occasions"...we like to peruse it for her ideas, and then come up with kick ass plans that blow hers out of the water!!..so, i will give you a list of holidays for december, some require your care and effort to make every corner of this world a better place for all...others require only a happy outlook on life, as oscar wild put it, "life's far too mysterious to be taken seriously!"

december 1, 2009

...world aids day ~ started on december 1, 1988, world aids day is about raising money, increasing awareness, fighting predjudice, and improving education. the theme for 2009 is "Universal Access and Human Rights". world aids day is important in reminding people that HIV has not gone away and there is still much to be done.

december 4, 2009

...according to 'the virtual vine', this is national cookie day AND wear brown shoes day! if you don't wear brown shoes, you can't have any cookies...

december 6, 2009

...st. nicholas ~ this is the day everybody gets chocolate letters of their initials (according to ernest, but who would argue with that?)...if you are good (who's the judge of that?) you will find treats in your wooden shoes...bad? coal or salt...horrible?...road apples from st. nicholas' horse...

december 7, 2009

...the birthday of marie tussaud, creator of madame tussaud's wax museum...this is the day you finally go and get that brazilian wax you've been longing for...

december 8, 2009

...the birthday of mexican mural artist diego rivera (on again, off again husband of freida kahlo, now she was one kick ass - i mean 'darling' - woman) it's tacos all around today!

december 11, 2009

...hanukkah ~ a jewish celebration, commonly known as 'the festival of lights'...with the lighting of the menorah, traditional festive foods, and games of dreidel...

december 12, 2009

...again, according to 'the virtual vine', today is national poinsettia day (did you ever notice how they lace this poisonous plant all over old folk's homes?) and national ding-a-ling day...in my little corner of the world, we bake poinsettia cookies for the ding-a-lings as they missed out on cookies on 'wear brown shoes day'...

december 14, 2009

...on this day in 1911, the south pole was discovered (i'll let you in on a little secret, there is no pole there, it's just an urban myth), and in 1929, the first miniature golf course opened (not at the south pole)...personally, i find mini-golf, as we call it in my little corner of the world, lacks appeal without that 19th hole!

december 16, 2009

...the anniversary of the boston tea party (yanks still can't make tea) but, more importantly, to ernest at least, it is "chocolate covered anything day"...let your imagination run wild, ernest does...

december 21, 2009

...the birthday of frank zappa (father of moon unit and dweezel)...this is the day all food must be cooked in the microwave...zapped!

december 25, 2009

...happy birthday jesus!!...it's national pumpkin pie day in america...in my little corner of the world we have cake, christmas cake, for the birthday party...

december 26, 2009

...it's boxing day...and kwanzaa...

december 28, 2009

...national chocolate day (do you notice a pattern developing here...it's like every day is chocolate day...what's with that ernest??) oh and it's national playing card day as well...

december 31, 2009

...new years eve...no chocolate!!

...so kids...you thought you only had christmas shopping left to do...guess again? at least you can get most of your gifts from ernest...but do not despair...katie potato and i came up with a sure fire "to the front of the line" plan for shopping...we wear surgical masks and cough our brains out...those lines part faster than the red sea...cheers, lulu

ah, ho, ho, ho....

2009-11-24T15:02:00.001-08:00

this christmas card is from japan

circa the '60's.....my favourite part...

they took their shoes off before they

went into the 'stable'...

...gotta love japan...

...role play...or is it roll play...

2009-11-23T15:51:00.000-08:00

...it's happened yet again...i've been invited to star in another play in my little corner of the world...i graciously (i don't even know what that means) declined...i'm not a thespian, i'm a lespian, but if i was a thespian, i'm sure one of my personalities would like to read for a part...

...i'm not sure if you are aware or not, but i am trying to make the hockey comeback in my little corner of the world...even all-stars have to work their way back to the top...thank god i still have the 'touch' and don't have to claw my way up, because (another confession)...i bite my nails...so i watch hockey and i go practice everyday at lunch...

...there is a real hierarchy to 'drop in' hockey...almost as bad as surfing...if you don't know the rules of etiquette in surfing, let me just say, the dogfish will be nibbling on any parts that are left over...back to 'drop in' hockey...at one end are the adept players (i let them believe they are) involved in 'shinny'...in the middle is kind of a hockey purgatory...and the other end are the 'kinder, gentler' players...i stay with the k/g chaps...there is me...the lone woman, a man that goes around and around and around at a walk kind of pace, and nevers stops...not til the zamboni man honks his horn...there are 3 indo canadian guys, who rock at ball hockey but skating is not their forte...i try not to breathe too hard so as not to knock them over...last and unfortunately not least, are these little pirhannas (they must be surfers who wear water wings) who are about 3 years old and are some kind of sidney crosby clones...they are worse than mad dogs...chase me everywhere...i swear if they didn't have face masks on they would be chewing on my ankles...

...this year, right after st. nicholas, i am going to celebrate hanukkah...i have had trouble finding all the necessary items...the liquidators had "happy hanukkah" banners, gift tags and cookie cutters, and then i found 'hanukkah crackers' at a local store...when you pull them open there is a dreidel and a paper yamulke (hat) inside...but a menorah, that's hard to come by in my little corner of the world...so, i googled menorah and found the ultimate craft...no matches, never needs to be replaced, will last you forever...

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/menorah.html

...where there's a will there's a way...whoda thunkit??...

...another saturday in my little corner of the world..

2009-11-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

well...another saturday in my little corner of the world...so...after my porridge i headed for the market...they could almost have it as a drive through, because at this time of the season, there are very few vendors left...but...because of that...i finally noticed the sock monkeys!!!...too much fun...i bought a black one as a gift, just to make colonel sanders happy...the sock monkey lady was so kick ass!..spot on, sock monkey lady, spot on!!!...

...now kids...lulu is getting on in age and i worry that i am letting some of life's adventures pass me by...so...i stopped in to the local day spa...just for information...the lady at the desk greeted me with "hi darling" (and it was darling, not darlin')...i didn't know that word still existed...wow...i am going to throw that back into my vocabulary...'how darling'!!!...not quite as strong as 'kick ass', but life does have it's softer side and moments...well...i have never had anything waxed besides candles, waxed paper, and floors...so, i thought maybe it's time i exposed myself to new experiences...apparently, they can wax anything and everything and they do...i asked if people screamed and they said some do...mostly men getting their backs waxed...(back waxing possibly could have saved my first marriage...or not)...i'm thinking that i need to go back in there and take it all off...you can be sure if i do, i'll take photos and share them with you...

...so the next stop on my saturday rounds was ernest's for chocolate...and what i found out is...bigger really is better...when it comes to chocolate!!...you can get anything and everything in chocolate...it's very dutch to give kids a chocolate initial for st. nicholas...ernest said x, y, and z are cheaper, so a lot of parents buy those letters for kids that are not yet old enough to read or spell...trouble is, lots of those little kids end up thinking their name starts with x,y, or z...

...off to the drugstore...i was in a spelunking mood, so i dared to venture down the 'love aisle'...oh my god!!!...what are all those things and what are they used for...the aisle went on forever...i decided to pick things up and read the labels, crap, the printing was so small, there was just no way my arms were long enough to read any of it...i figured they must make it so that if you are too old to read it, you are too old to benefit from it...whatever happened to 'love potion #9'??...did you know that they now make condoms with inches marked on them...built in peter meters...i think they have a red line and that if you don't measure up, it starts to laugh at you...i don't think they are a BIG seller...

...if a shoe is ringing, it's for me...

2009-11-20T03:22:00.000-08:00

...if a shoe's ringing, it's for me...listen quietly...or is it quietly listen...i trust all of you, deeply trust all of you, so i know you can keep a secret...please keep what i am about to tell you top secret [kind of like menstruation]...outside of my little corner of the world i am...a secret agent...shhhh...it's true... i do my best work under the covers...i used to have a partner, 69, but now i work alone...it's never the same as with a partner, but i get by, and i have gadgets to help me when i can't manage on my own...my mother was my first contact...until she let it slip out, actually let me slip out...blew my cover...from that day on, i required protection...i would never want to be reminded of a failed mission, say 9 months later...these days i just take assignments when i feel the urge...

...but it's all in the game...

2009-11-19T16:37:00.000-08:00

...many a tear has to fall, but it's all in the game...i have been rooting through boxes, and thinking of games and toys i played with as a child...yes, i was "little lulu" once upon a time...i found the cowboys and indians...oooh...there's a sticky little politically correct situation...how to explain that whole scenario...

..."you take this here cowboy [strike that...cowperson] and he [they] take their guns [registered firearms] and try to kill [rid of weapons of mass destruction] the injuns [first nations people]...the one who kills the most [protects the right to democracy and freedom] wins, and yes, it may seem a little one-sided with all these strange diseases [small pox vd...i'll explain vd to you next time we play, etc.] thrown in to kill the injuns [first nations peoples] but hey, we won...mostly...and in some ways it continues today...with different weapons...and a different agenda..."

...we like to think those times were 'simpler'....but 'simpler' may have just represented ignorance and arrogance...

...trend setters...

2009-11-18T22:33:00.000-08:00

well, it seems like the trend setters always manage to find their way into my little corner of the world...biggest new trend and to me, the most puzzling...suburbia went from mini-van, to suv and cross-over (who gets to coin these names anyway?) to now, much to my dismay, the heavy duty quad cab 4x4...monster trucks...but the problem here, is every second vehicle dropping off kidlets to katie potato's school is one of these...the others are grossly overpriced and over ego inflated beamers, mercedes, and lexus'...in case you're interested, my car is old enough to go into the bar by itself and order drinks...oh and to vote...just thought i put that out there...

...but these monster trucks roar in, scare the shit out of me, stop, then let out some kid that needs a stepladder to get out of the truck...they should just have a slide, or a fireman's pole...shit...i am so sorry, but TANGENT TIME!!!...grandmama's husband 'pop', was a fire chief in my little corner of the world...they always had separate bedrooms...she says it was because of shiftwork, but the rumour is it was because of pop's hose....pride of the fire department he was!!!...she had this most amazing bathroom, we called it "fantasy in pink" absolutely everything was pink, EVERYTHING! (if you didn't know what to get grandmama for a gift, anything pink was always the way to go)...well pop (maybe others as well) was not allowed to poop in the pink bathroom...he had this hell hole downstairs for his bodily eliminations...when we were kids we reveled in the thought of pooping in the pink toilet, wiping our poopy little bums with pink toilet paper, washing our poopy hands with pink soap that looked and smelled like a rose, and then picking the fanciest, showpiece pink 'guest towel' to dry our poopy little hands on, and then turn out the pink chandelier...

... i am racking my brain trying to figure what this monster truck fad is all about...the thing that puzzles me is that there is never anything in the box of the truck...you would think something, some explanation would show from time to time, but nope, the box is always empty...sadly, we now have home depot, rona, and canadian tire in my little corner of the world, we call it the 'man mall', but it's mostly just old people looking for plumbing parts (isn't is funny how seniors' plumbing on their house, packs it in about the same time as their 'interior plumbing' from their bodies)...so if not for the big box stores, why??...it can't just be the old overcompensating thing as most of these trucks are driven by moms...oh wait...maybe these are women who have small breasts but can't afford implants so buy the next best thing, a $40,000 pick-up truck...this is probably the reason...'woman has small breasts, so buys monster truck, which impresses a man, (but man with a small...appendage) who loves the truck so is willing to overlook the small breasts'...one SMALL problem though for the woman....she loses her truck and gains a boyfruend with a very, very small...appendage...if only she had stuck to the soccer mom mini-van!!

...it's a cat eat eat cat world...

2009-11-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

i have about had it with dr. wannemaker, our pet psychiatrist...i spend a high percentage of my unearned income on therapy for my pets, and, except for the grief counseling over the lawn mower 'cat ass trophy' of spooner, i am not seeing bang for my buck...as i write this, the buddha is taking up three quarters of my bed, snoring, and leaving almost no space for me and my rocks...so he was of course upset about the toy incident the other day, but even after seeing dr. wannemaker, he has run off on his own 2 days in a row, and has been stashing old toys away so i can't find them...he got into the garbage twice thinking that his toys were in there, but i'm smarter than he thinks...

...then there is the psycho cat, baby...today she cornered chloe, the overeater, in the bathroom all day, all the while howling like she'd caught a lizard or something...sally, my anorexic cat likes to howl when she's been hunting (in the house) but she usually has just killed underwear or a sock...but baby...crap she cries 'mama' so loud you can hear her outside...the neighbours think we have a kid locked up in the basement again (it wasn't intentional the first time, really!)...

...i'm thinking of inviting "mutual of omaha's wild kingdom" in for a session...same as the jungle really, this house is, except the monkeys don't swing from the trees...

....new stories for paint -by -numbers...

2009-11-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

hey kids...check out this wonderful blog by billy canadian (not from my little corner of the world)

New Stories for Paint-by-Numbers

...the game of life...

2009-11-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

while i was washing the dishes...by hand...i thought...how many games did we play as kids that transfer into our lives?? so, and in alphabetical order no less, i am going to identify all the games that i really play in "the game of life"...

...'ants in the pants' ~ unfortunately yes, i have played the home version...that brother who i never finished off, saw the perfect opportunity to scoop a shovelful of ants nest into my baggy shorts...hell hath no fury like ants in the pants!! i still find them now and again...i would have thought ten years would have been plenty of time for that ant killer to kick in...maybe i should break it off with the orkin man...'barrel of monkeys' ~ need i say more...'clue' ~ i haven't got one!...'cootie' ~ this time it wasn't me, but the bro' who had the cooties, or at least that's what i used to tell everyone...'don't break the ice' 'don't spill the beans' ~ it's no wonder we are the prozac nation..."kids, let's play a fun game and relax" - not!!...and wait...her's another relaxing game 'frustration'....somehow i am starting to see a pattern...we play tense, stressful, sit on the edge of your seat games...to relax...

...'hands down' ~ actually i haven't played this game, but my friend alberta, when she went to ny, played the local version....'hands up!'...'hungry hippos' ~ yep...everytime we go to the all you can eat buffet at the howard johnson...'jenga' ~ this is the office game in my house...stack those books and bills and papers so high, and then try and get the phone bill out from the middle of the stack...actually we sometimes use a different name for this game...'kerplunk' ~ my car engine actually makes this noise and then goes kaput...'mousetrap' ~ we had this game when my brother and sister said i was too young to play it, so i always took a crucial piece of the game out of the works...too little to play huh??...the family that plays together stays together...or not...

...my favourite...'operation' ~ this is the game that has saved medical students thousands of dollars in tuition...i learned all of my anatomy and physiology from that guy with the big red proboscis...when my cousin eddy was little, he always wanted to play, but the batteries kept wearing out from him touching the sides so they gave him a pair of tweezers that weren't hooked up to the game...he wants to be a surgeon, but i don't think i would ever let him cut on me...'pass the pigs' ~ ever time katie potato wants the sausages...'password' ~ this is the most frustrating game ever, except for user name...'scavenger hunt' ~ this is the game we play every morning as katie potato tries to find all the pieces of her uniform for school (no, it's not reform school)...'trouble' ~ somehow, i can never seem to get away from this game...it's a constant in my life...i would like to meet someone who fits one of my wetsuits, uses the same laundry detergent as me, likes thighs and legs, and doesn't play trouble any more...'twister' ~ this is the game that brought chiropractic into the mainstream, made more memorable moments between hormone raging teens, and made more unmemorable moments between siblings...it's one thing if your biggest crushes feet stink, but it's another thing if they're your brother's...'yahtzee' ~ that about sums up life in my little corner of the world...keep rolling those dice until you get the combinations you need...if at first you don't succeed, try and try, oh and one more try, again...

...play nice kids...lulu

...it's a dog's life...

2009-11-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

the buddha's toy's

quite the collection

the buddha with some of his toys

...well kids, the pet psychiatrist in my little corner of the world, dr. wannemaker, is worked off her feet...today was buddha's monthly appointment...he was really confused and upset with me...every 6 months we (i) go through his toys and pull out the ratty broken ones...yesterday we placed all his toys on the floor and the sorting began...except he didn't know if he was coming or going...he just kept barking as if toys would volunteer to leave the fold...well, i made the choices for him and he was not very pleased...and he was really pissed off because i found my "nick and nora" doll and took her away from him...do you think dog toys reflect the dog's way of thinking or the owner's...dr. wannemaker thinks it's a little of both, but frankly, i think she's just looking to expand her practice!!...

...there are no words...

2009-11-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

...well kids, after much fondling, and stroking, and pulling on the hose...i bought a new vacuum...i was so sad because my other one packed it in, but...screw that!!!....this vacuum is beyond lovely...there are no words to describe it!!...i have my speed dial set for the paramedics because i fear my heart my give out with this much excitement...oh it is the orgasmatron for sure...i don't know if i can take anymore!!...the hose on this one is huge...the headlight is one of those xenon kind you find on expensive cars (that's how i know which cars to hit in the dark)...it has a snooze button, so you can fold it flat, send it under the bed to do it's thing, and it will wake you up...who could sleep though, it was just like the magic fingers were under there...anti lock brakes and cruise control are standard, along with more bells and whistles than you could shake a stick at...and this one has a name...'hoover'....my lawnmower came with a name too, 'murray'...he's a happy lawnmower...i love murray...he doesn't have a headlight, so he sleeps through the night...

christmas brings out the 'ho in me....

2009-11-13T21:48:00.000-08:00

i've tried to keep it a secret, closeted away, hoping that the outside world would never know...but...i can't take the strain of living a life of lies anymore...i hate christmas....that's right, i hate christmas...today i just lost it...i had to be restrained at the walmart for trying to kick the animated santa in his jingle kris kringle bells!! maybe one i could have handled (santa, not security guard) but 3 all singing at the same time, different songs, and ho ho-ing at me...i just lost it!!...and the whole santa thing...he's a creepy old man that lap dances children for god sakes!

last year, i made santa sit on my knee...

a change of venue...

2009-11-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

....diana and her new home...

...well kids, today diana and i took a little trip from the cenotaph to city square, here in my little corner of the world...she's much happier...i think there's even a live feed to the internet here...

....what i did for love....

2009-11-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

my friend alberta (dad was albert...they wanted a boy..) just left my little corner of the world to go to ny and see the long running show...'a chorus line'....your own little lulu saw it in london many moons ago, when i left my little corner of the world to explore, to see what was out there in the rest of the world....oh, but back to 'a chorus line'...one of my favourite songs was "what i did for love"....and it got me to thinking, what did i do for love?

...my first memory is giving my little kindergarten friends black eyes when they were not nice to my boyfriend...my parents got to meet a lot of the other parents this way...more so than they would have through just the pta...first grade i stole a marble and put it into my boyfriends boot...only it wasn't his boot and it wasn't my marble....my parents got to meet my first grade teacher on a more personal level than they would have without the marble...second grade, gave my bike away...my parents got to meet the police when i tried to steal it back...these little events cooled off for a few years as i settled down and stopped falling in love so often...this may have been, in part, due to the fact that i got to meet the wide end of the wooden spoon a little more frequently than i would have preferred....but that's ok, it just taught me to be choosy...

...eighth grade it was the age of the more you like someone, the more you showed that you didn't...i used to throw ron boswell's sneakers out of the third story classroom window...he would go and get them and then i would throw them again...i think this is how s and m starts!...i got to experience many hours sitting on the hard wooden bench outside the principal's office...does that mean i was actually in love with the principal and not ron boswell??...love is so confusing...

...my next big love was in the school band... i spent every free moment in the music room...and as a result of that committed relationship...i don't play music any more...no, actually i can still pump out tunes on the old player piano...the neighbours were really happy when the trumpet, the drums, the tuba, the saxophone and the baton twirlers left...they always complained they lived next door to a marching band...well with their kids jumping on the bed and the looks of some of their relatives, we thought we lived next door to ringling bros. circus and it's sideshow of freaks!!...

...i think the strangest thing i have done as an adult, was to stand and sniff all the boxes of laundry detergent to find the one that smelled like my love interests clothes...people in the store have never quite looked at me the same since... i don't do that any more...i am now brand loyal, so i buy the detergent i like, and then sniff people to see who matches the scent...

apparently, the more you complain, the longer god makes you live....looks like i'll be sticking around for a while...

2009-11-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

this small photo of diana, princess of wales, was placed on the cenotaph today prior to our Remembrance Day Ceremony...my opinion...totally not the time or place...in fact, never the right time or place...this monument commemorates the men and women who lost their lives during war and conflict, in times of extreme hardship and horror, helping us enjoy the freedom and opportunities we have today...diana was a humanitarian...she died in paris, after leaving the ritz hotel, in a speeding limousine, after a stay on a yacht...why can't i see the similarities here?...because there are none!!...

.... society appears to be taking death and memorials to new levels, that to me, are over the top...making icons and idols out of good people, even great people, but 'famous' people....we seem to jump on this crazy bandwagon, almost hysteria, where the act and show of remembrance is just never enough and we need more media coverage, more tributes, more teddy bears and flowers ~ more worship....by doing so, we are losing our appreciation for the value of any life, the lives of people like you and me...good, kind, loving, creative and caring people are everywhere...when i see these massive tributes and mega displays of flowers etc...the first thing that comes to mind is look at all the energy, all the potential spent on 'words' or 'stuff' or just plain attention, that would mean so much more if directed at 'life'...

..today, i wish i had the balls...no, strike that...i regret not looking deep enough inside to come up with the integrity and initiative to act on my beliefs...to act without waiting for a group decision...to have moved the pretty little princess...and yes she was a great humanitarian, but no soldier, and moved her along...to her place, her space...she did not belong here...

lest we forget...

2009-11-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Gunner John G. Turner

I am so very proud to call

such an honourable man,

my Dad. I miss you everyday.

xo Deanna

future prime minister

cenotaph

multitude of wreaths

we remember

random quotes...

2009-11-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

"you have been taught that there is something wrong with you and you are imperfect, but, there isn't and you're not".....unknown

"there's a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every i don't know, and a little emotion behind every i don't care."...unknown

remember...the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month...

2009-11-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

...i cry when i go to remembrance day services...i think of all the mothers and fathers who lost sons (and daughters!), the children who lost parents, some of whom they never got the chance to meet and remember...i think of dieppe and the beach there...walking along the beach and seeing what the canadian troops faced just blew me away....there was NOWHERE to go...i think of all the canadians we still lose on an almost daily basis to war and conflict...so many of them, so young, their whole lives ahead of them, and their families and friends and neighbours who have only memories for the future...at 11:00 am..don't be at walmart, or watching football, or on facebook, or instant messaging...say a little prayer and send a lot of love out to all who bear the pain of sacrifice and loss...lulu xoxox

speaking of draining breasts....

2009-11-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

...jeanette's little boob job, reminded me of a time many years back, when i pumped breast milk...yes, it's true, your lulu was the cash cow in my little corner of the world...fed most every kid at some time or other...but one day, i went to the folk festival and took my portable manual pump with me....now, i consider breastfeeding to be a magical part of life, and so i apply that to pumping milk as well...i didn't feel the need to hide away...i sat on a bench and had my companion push the pump in and out...looked like we were blowing up a balloon...sure enough, a crowd of kids gathered...staring intently at the whole process...the longer it went on, the bigger their eyes grew until they were almost the size of saucers...thinking that i was offending them, i turned around, but they yelled, "hey lady don't, we want to see it blow!!!"....

might as well have played pin the tail on the donkey...

2009-11-10T18:23:00.000-08:00

...well, from now on, i think jeanette will listen to me...i told her time and time again, not to pin broaches on top of her 'new breasts'....accidents can happen...well, today when she went to pin her poppy on over her left breast, her hand slipped, and POP!!!!....she poked a hole in her new water filled implant...the water was spewing out in a 3 foot stream, and everytime someone would call her name, she would turn around and spray them in the face!...now i don't know what they put in with the water, but what ever it is was stinging and causing people to cry, which would then prompt jeanette to turn towards them again to see what was going on...when the breast had drained completely, there stood jeanette...dd-flated!!!...

put the toilet seat down....

2009-11-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

...on the front page of today's paper, was a photo of a snake that had crawled out of a man's toilet...i knew plumbers used snakes, but i never took that to be literally!!...put the toilet seat down!....there's good reason now....although the one eyed trouser snake has been lurking around toilets for years!!...

"the secret...."

2009-11-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

well kids, today i am going to go way back into the past, and just so you know, i am warning you this deals with matters of a feminine nature...so...go big or go home (i just like saying that!!)....when i was a young lass, here in my little corner of the world, when a girl entered into the 5th grade, something dark and mysterious happened...first off, all the girls in the class got a permission slip to take home and get signed...a parent would sign it and tell you nothing about it; who, what where, when, why or how??....about a week after that....all the girls would be mysteriously called out of the classroom and herded into the library...the look of bewilderment was unbelievable, you would have thought we were going to be shipped off to the moon...then possibly one girl might secretly whisper that we were at "the talk"....

...a lady would come in and start off with something like, "girls, you are approaching an age that holds exciting and wonderful changes...you are about to enter the beginnings of woman hood." i knew right then and there that this 'hood' was not like 'robin hood' and it was not going to be good news...one thing i learned as a 'tomboy', was that beautiful and woman and young lady were words of extreme danger..."your body will be slowly going through many exciting changes....soon, you will start developing budding breasts, your hips will curve out to become shapely, and you will have a monthly menstrual cycle"....a what kind of cycle?...did she say motorcycle?..."menstruation, is nature's way of preparing you to one day have a baby"...what??!!!...tomboys don't have babies!!...

...things only got worse...she went on to say that once a month a 'friend' would come to visit and that we might get cramps, but we could still do everything we did before...before what??....then she pulled some kind of straps and first aid dressings out of a box...."these are called sanitary napkins, and this is a belt to hold them in place."....and then to my extreme horror, she said something about bleeding, and flow, and every 28 days!!...in my tomboy brain i was screaming "lady, shut the fuck up!!!"....

...she was ruining my life, couldn't she see that??....i did not want to join her little club and play their silly little girly games...how could i ever face my friends when we walked back into the classroom?....the return to class was almost as bewildering as leaving...the boys just looked at us like we had been given a treat and they didn't get one...hardly!!!...they never asked about where we went or why, and as far as i could tell, our mysterious little mission and it's contents had never been revealed to them...it was "the secret".....

ever wonder....

2009-11-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

....here's to the girl in the little red shoes, she'll spend your money, she'll drink your booze, she's lost her cherry but that's no sin, cause she's still got the box that the cherry came in...ever wonder....'where do all those lost cherries go?'.......

it's raining again...

2009-11-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

...it's been raining here for days in my little corner of the world...i'm not complaining...we always need the water...just that sometimes i would prefer the liquid sunshine would spread it itself out or be more predictable...kind of like menstruation (that's period)...it would be easier to plan events, and the people who bitch about the rain, well they would have their rainy day pms and we could avoid them and their 'stormy' attitude...and it would be great for my chocolate man...and a mist cloudy period, would be having people paying a lot more attention to our under appreciated meteorologists...and definitely increase the sale of rain gauges, which by the way, your little lulu happens to own...

....please forgive me, i'm off on a tangent (that means my conversation and thoughts are only ever so slightly relevant)...weather words and descriptions always make me tip my head a little (like my dog does when he's just not quite sure he heard me correctly the first time)...i can't always see the connection, like i understand depression, with rain etc, but a tropical depression? crap...when i'm in the tropics, sipping those mai tai's, eating 'pupus' and working on my all over tan, depression is the last thing on my mind!...or how about calm before the storm...have you seen what people do before a storm? crap...they run around like chickens with their heads cut off and the lowest man on the CNN totem pole is shitting his pants because he got the assignment to stand and do storm play by play...and climate change...what does the ultimate sexual expression have to do with the weather and who in their right mind would change that?!!...[EDITOR'S NOTE:....it has been brought to my attention that climate is not a sexuality term...the only weather related sexuality term is frigid...sorry for any confusion this may have caused]

...tropical got me thinking about surfing...here in my little corner of the world, we can surf, but our surfing season doesn't start until the cold november winds blow in....it means that wetsuits are a necessity...

...sorry another tangent not quite so unconnected...if you take a thermos with hot water and pour that hot water into your wet suit before you go into the water, you don't get that heart stopping blast of cold as your suit fills...coffee works too, but the pee in your suit thing is just an urban myth...

...the number one rule is you should never surf alone...lulu had a dilemma...nobody ever had a wet suit except me...so...i came up with a plan to buy wet suits at thrift stores and bazaars....all i had to do then was meet people who fit one of my wetsuits!!...you can not imagine all the shapes and sizes people come in...it was like finding cinderella to fit the glass slipper...there was one wet suit i actually prayed i would not find a person to fit, because they would have scared the shit out of me!!...well one day...i met a goddess who fit one of my suits...the fact that she hated water and could not swim meant nothing...she suited me just fine...we would go to the ocean and put our wet suits on, grab all our gear run toward the water and then turn around and head back to the beach, get out of our wet suits and into a dry martini...not really martinis, corona with limes, but if i hadn't been a virgin...a martini virgin...we would have gone into the dry martinis and then into a lot of trouble...

...rain does bring rainbows....they make the rain seem worthwhile...i am one of those people who believe that a pot of gold lies at the end of a rainbow...so thank goodness i'm gay...because rainbows are EVERYWHERE in my little corner of the world!!! xox

window shopping...

2009-11-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

...window shopping....don't you think ..."i was window shopping"... is the lamest excuse??...my friend trish says that all the time...it's such a cop out...why can't she just admit that she spent all of her money or can't make up her bloody mind or no merchant wants to welcome her in their shops after what happened the last time they let trish in...seriously, think about it, when was the last time you bought windows...see??!

....yesterday, here in my little corner of the world...i spent the day 'in town'....i saw the latest and greatest in 'strap ons' and i wasn't overly impressed....i have to admit that these were the biggest, and most likely fastest, 'strap ons' i had ever seen, and certainly were good value, plus there were a lot of accessories available, but who wants to go to all the trouble of taking them on and off, when you can just as easily keep them on...i think they would only be good if you had the right size feet any way....besides, i have a pair of perfectly good in-line skates that work better and are probably more reliable ~ i've certainly never been disappointed in their performance!...so, i made the decision that strap on in-line skates are just not for me....

...

i lost my virginity...yet again....

2009-11-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

...much to grandmama's dismay, i have lost my virginity, yet again...she shouldn't point fingers (somewhat crooked arthriticy ones) because she has lost her mind!...i had a martini last night...not a VIRGIN martini, no, it was the real deal (except for the whipping cream ~ not on the martini, on me!)...it's almost like the first time i lost my virginity, woke up with the worst hangover, in some strange bed, with a person whose name i can't seem to recollect...or pronounce....

alphabet stories to live by.....

2009-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

...good morning...i am not a religious person (i know, it is hard to believe)...so..i look to other things, and faces, and places for guidance...one of my favourite things is to follow life in alphabetic order...so i thought i'd share with you how to eat your way through a loaded brunch buffet, it's easy and quite simply, delicious...avacado, bean salad, ceviche, dim sum, eggs benny (with lox no less), french toast, ginger beef, hash browns, indian curry, juices, kolbassa, lasagna, mussels, noodles, oranges, prawns, q...went to the restroom, roast beef, salmon, tea, uncooked sushi, vegetables, waffles, xyz...too full....

...i love to give gifts...and when it came time to buy a gift for my friend's anniversary...i looked over the tradional and modern lists of what gift you give for each year, and i thought how unoriginal, how unispiring...so lulu has come up with my list of gifts for which year...first off, there is one gift that covers any year, and that is cement...nothing says forever like cement...so even though i have put it down for the first anniversary, i feel it is an appropriate gift any time!

first....cement (nothing says forever like cement)

fifth...couples bungy jumping (guaranteed to support that feeling of togetherness)

tenth...bath paint by numbers for lovers (they touch the parts that most old married couples would rather forget)

twenty fifth...please forgive me cards, two each (for the she/he means nothing to me moments in life, the something just came over me, it will never happen again)

fiftieth...the couples set of ipod pacemakers (with the optional random/shuffle setting, to put some of that spark back into your life )

fifty first and on....whatever the home will allow them to have, but remember, nothing says forever like cement...and name tags never go out of style...

blah,blah,blah....

2009-11-05T12:01:00.000-08:00

well...lulu has lots of things to spew about today...insurance...how come insurance forms, most forms actually, but especially insurance forms, have such little spaces to write in the information they are asking for???...if you can't inscribe the lord's prayer on the head of a pin, then you can't fit the info in the space provided...and the questions they ask!...i received a phone call today from a woman compiling the info for my insurance application...i already spent an afternoon at the bank filling in the form, but she wanted to ask me all the same information again....i already know they will reject me, because somewhere, at some point in the process, an honest person answers yes to a question....but i like to make them go find out for themselves, for being stingy bastards in the first place, so i just answer "no" to any and all questions...

...have you ever applied for insurance in the past and been rejected?..no...(yes actually, all the time)...have you EVER experienced headache, fatigue dizziness?...no...(hangover yes...wait, alcohol is another question...)...have you ever had an xray, or cat scan or mri?....of course not, people can see right through me...have you EVER been in the hospital?...no, i was born in a log cabin in the woods....i have never been to the doctor, never had an infection, never taken medication, never been depressed, never had a blood or urine test (despite the fact that i studied for them), no one in my family has ever died from anything, my daughter was born on a bus (don't worry, i wasn't driving at the time), i have never chewed gum, eaten junk food, had fun, or otherwise enjoyed life...why do you ask???...

...in about 9 days (3 days longer than their question session lasted), when they have found out what should have been yes answers, i will receive a note from them, saying ever so politely, " we are very sorry, we are unable to provide you with insurance at this time, or ever, because you might at some point actually need it"....by then...they will probably have spent more money looking for the yes answers than they would have had to pay out in insurance...

...in my little corner of the world, we are required to have stickers on our cars sharing information about our driving experience or lack thereof...we have L for learner and N for newbie....i personally think we should utilize the whole alphabet, just like the soup...A is definitely 'asshole'...B better late than never...C can't you make up your god damned mind?!, D dope, dimwit, dolt...E effing whatever...F fuddie duddie...G go ahead, i dare ya!...H hellooooo!!!...I i'm only speeding because i have to poop, or incontinent...J jerk!...K kill me why don't ya?...L...M maybe you'd like to step out of the car and say that to my face...N...O ok, fine, be that way...P people like you make the worst drivers seem good...Q quit riding on my ass...R right officer i'm so sorry ~ not!...S stick this where the sun don't shine!....T tickets? i thought you NEEDED tickets to get on a ride...U u can't be serious?!!...V very original...W where did you learn to drive?...X xcuuuse meeee!!...Y you paid way too much for that beamer, because none of the signals work...Z zzzzzz asleep at the wheel again....

more photojournalism from my little corner of the world....shopping...

2009-11-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

'bob' our local lottery

winner...would you just

look at his big fat wallet!

security footage of my friendly

check out girl sheryl...she is

having way too much fun...

i know smiles are free, but even still,

she shouldn't (according to

grandmama) just be giving it away!!

management will have to get on

this right away...

sherry and i....one of my dear

friends in the meat department

...she is quite a celebrity in

these parts...only butcher in

town with ALL her fingers...

and all her toes..

this is john, my local produce

expert...he is trying to sell me

green grapes, but i prefer them in

their fermented state...sorry john

a sad day....

2009-11-04T23:42:00.000-08:00

it's a sad day in my little corner of the world...my vacuum cleaner died...i was so attached to it...and derived so much pleasure from it...i can't bear the thought of breaking in a replacement...i'll settle for nothing less than the 'orgasmatron'....it needs the unnecessary head light, mag wheels, dual exhausts, see through dirt catcher, rack and pinion steering, air shocks, and a musical programable horn....oh and an alarm!! i'll start my search tomorrow...

...did you ever hear the unusual tale of the "nimbus 2000"?? it was a toy version of dear harry potter's broom....well, this 'nimbus 2000' was pretty special...when you rode on it it vibrated...they had to recall it, because, it was too much of a good thing...one woman said, "it's a great toy, not only does my young daughter like it, but her teenage sister and all her friends like it too!"....

...in my little corner of the world, all the fir trees drop needles...well, i was doing a blow job on the driveway and it occurred to me, why not do a blow job inside the house...so that's what i did...i took my leaf blower in the house...it was a great help, with my vacuum having passed on and all...in fact, i may do this all the time, you can dust, sweep, put stuff away and rearrange furniture all in one fast swoop...

the mellops go spelunking....

2009-11-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

when i was a little lulu, one of my favourite books was "the mellops go spelunking"....for those of you who don't know what spelunking is, it is the exploration of caves...i like to expand that definition to include exploring around the house, my house or yours!

...i like to refer to my gynecologist as the cave doctor...his headlight (now see, here's a place where having a head light makes sense) is one of the best i have ever seen...when i enquired about it, he said that, yes indeed, his lamp was different, he buys his 'interior' lights at the outdoor explorer store...i love a man with a sense of adventure!

...in my house, objects seem to find their own way around the house and end up wherever they see fit....a recent spelunking expedition into the guest room turned up; an axe, a compass, a book on how to play the harmonica, petrified (as in solid, not petrified as in scared stiff) dinosaur poop...no shit!...a brand new slinky, elvis, a gun that shoots out potato pellets (popped that in the mail to dick cheney...did you ever notice that men named dick usually are ~ dicks?), a one dollar bill, the field guide to slugs, an original trivial pursuit game, a big old kick ass accordian that belonged to my grannie that i am going to 'pimp', a horse riding helmut ( for the rider, not the horse), just too many things to list...

...so, if your life is lacking in adventure, consider doing your own home spelunking expedition...head lights optional....

let's all play nice together....or not...

2009-11-03T09:05:00.000-08:00

here in my little corner of the world, we are not immune (no pun intended as you will see later..) from some of the problems and evils that lurk out there for the rest of the world...and...no matter how nice and kind hearted a person is, there are still those occasional times when we get cross (pissed off) and some of us handle the situation a little better than others...

...becky and sue-ann, were both bidding on a beautiful carpet at the silent auction and at the last second, just as sue-ann was lighting up like a christmas tree and getting ready to 'na ~ na' becky because she was the top bidder, becky jumped up, vaulted right over the table and upped her bid, before the timer ran out...the air was blue!! sue-ann was really, really, really 'cross'...things eventually calmed down and they shook hands and made out...oops..made up!....

...now, becky was a creature of habit...every saturday morning she would be the first one at the bank machine to deposit her weekly check...sue-ann went down on friday night and put "burn your ass off hot sauce" on the first deposit envelope in the stack...the reaction when becky licked it...never seen anything like it in my whole life...except pokeman stadium N 64, where if the pokeman gets wasabe intsead of sushi, oh boy!! ( i always wanted to lose, just to see the guy run around with his head on fire!)...right after that the bank put in self adhesive envelopes, and rightly so, licking the old ones, crap, they could have had anything on them!!.. i can see the picture in your head right now and it isn't pretty...

.....as i said earlier, we are not immune from outside influences...like politicians!!...well, wouldn't you know, my little corner of the world was represented by walter robinson...and for the kids reading, i'm sorry, but the only way to say it...he was a right royal asshole and bigot and and racist and homophobe!!!...he believed that immigrants, people of colour, gays, and probably any other group he could hate should be made to work in the back of the store...(apparantly, his ancestors didn't immigrate, so that would explain his monkey brain)...

...i just love people that follow the same old dull routine...for a while, i worked at the bakery, and walter would come to town and pick up blueberry pies that he would order ahead of time...little gay lulu worked at the bakery, get this, in the back, with a lovely asian girl and a nice chap from ireland...we decided, to lick our finger and stick it in each pie before he picked them up each week...all i can say is "be careful what you wish for as it just may come true"...one day that fat bastard is going to wake up as a gay, asian man, with a thick irish accent!!...

oh yes...i almost forgot...immune...the panic about the H1N1 virus, has reached my little corner of the world too...personally, i think it is just a scare like the last outbreak R2D2....i am puzzled by all these anti- bacterial products....is the anti-bacterial treatment supposed to protect the product?? geez...why would soap need to be protected by anti-biotics? and my favourite purchase...an antibacterial pen!...is that to proctect the pen from me, or me from the pen...now, it's anti viral kleenex...what are you supposed to do with them? just pull them out of the box and rub them all over your body?...i am not afraid of germs...in fact in my household, if something hits the floor, the three seconds rule? god no...if it hits the floor in my little corner of the world, we have the 15 minute rule...if 'the buddha' doesn't get it first....hope i haven't spoiled your appetite....cheers, lulu

it's monday.....

2009-11-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

it's monday....i never know whether it's a bright new beginning or a sad ending to the weekend...who figured out this day stuff anyhow...and how do researchers 'know' that you should buy a car made on a thursday, or the best day for surgery is a tuesday....god help you if your appendix bursts on a friday afternoon....

...outside influence creeps in to my little corner of the world at what i consider to be an alarming rate...it started with booze....you could only buy it in the daylight...not any more..and stores and business were closed sundays, with the exception of church and restaurants....it was great...if you were unfaithful like me, you could go and get the best seats anywhere in town while the faithful were in church talking with god...and you knew who was going to heaven and who wasn't, so it was a lot easier to pick out gifts....

....after much contemplation, i finally figured out my decorating style...jurassic...yes, rocks everywhere...looks like a t-rex has walked through the house a few times....you know, there may even be a little bit of neanderthal thrown in there as well...i'm definitely a classic...

...about the rocks...it's true, i do have rocks in my head..but only because they are always on my mind...no wonder my marriage didn't last...to me...rocks know everything, have seen everything and best of all, it takes forever to wear them out...i sleep with rocks (well, now less rocks ~ more dog)...way better than a person..or even a dog for that matter...they don't move around at night, they don't snore, there's no wet spot, and they stay hard forever...ah well, to each his 'stone'...sorry...i'm off to the back forty with 'the buddha'....

photos from my little corner of the world...

2009-11-01T22:20:00.000-08:00

life imitates art....or is it art

imitates life

phat tom's folk art....

"i'm hot"....with lulu...

early to bed early to rise...

2009-11-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

...early to bed, early too rise...makes jack a dull boy ~ no...makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise...but for women...as a woman and a mother...i have no concept of early to bed, and the early to rise part just comes with bags under my eyes...and wrinkles... another quote from my tommy..."i used to have the face i was born with, now i have the face i deserve!"...in my little corner of the world, we follow the farmer's almanac and daylight savings time...spring ahead, fall back...so even though it's early, and i must admit contemplation involved a bottle of red wine, i am still chipper this am....or not!!

...the red wine inspired deep sleep and vivid dreams..one dream involved the best and worst theme songs....for smoky the bear, 'come on baby light my fire' or 'smoke gets in your eyes'....for sybil, 'i get by with a little help from my friends'...the birdman of alcatraz, 'i am like a bird'...neil armstrong, 'fly me to the moon'...elvis, '(sleep)walking in memphis'...fed ex, 'signed, sealed, delivered'...swanson's tv dinners, 'salsbury hill'...god, 'have a little faith'....captain hook, 'one hand'...otis elevator company, 'what's going down'...iron chef mario bitalli, 'mama mia'....bc ferries queen of the north, 'S.O.S'....martha stewart, "some one left a cake out in the rain"...

please open this link....

2009-10-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

please open this link...even if you despise double clicking....i've tried to live this song for 25 years...i think people everywhere...not just in my little corner of the world should consider embracing it....as christine says...."please don't let another golden moment slip away...."

The Moment Slipped Away..Christine Lavin

i'm taking the day off for a day of reflection...

2009-10-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

kids....i'm taking today off to reflect, and to remember and celebrate friends and family and loved ones who have gone on ahead...i think in my lifetime, i will never understand why the best ones are chosen first...maybe it's so we gradually learn not to take life, love, beauty, and all the magic associated, for granted....god, i'm a slow learner...so i'm taking today off to brush up on my study skills....to review all the old chapters...and to stop getting bowled over by 'the tests', the challenges....

...LOVE (yes...the REAL kind) lulu xoxox

ps...i just lit a whole stack of money on fire 'cause i heard that's how you 'western union' money to heaven...it is...right??? somebody has to pay for the beer!! xoxox

halloween.....

2009-10-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

i have already confessed to you that halloween isn't my favourite holiday....i still don't have a pumpkin and probably won't get one...most years i buy a pumpkin and then don't bother to carve it, so it may shock you to know that i have a power pumpkin saw...yep, says so right on the package...i use it to cut the roast beef, since my sister took away my electric knife (it was even a wedding gift)....something about electric knives cutting prime rib being sacrilegious....

oh..back to halloween...i tend to look at friends and neighbours a little differently after i have seen them in their costumes...what possesses a person to dress up as a pickle? scares me to think joan at the doctor's office wants to be a pickle...and kids...is that evil costume on the outside what they secretly carry on the inside?....oh and i think it is way more fun to scare kids on any other night than halloween because they're not expecting it!...so go and carve your paddy o'lanterns and jackie o lanterns...pumpkins are for pie!!

...some days are dogs....

2009-10-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

lulu slept in this morning!! i am sure my dog, the buddha, turned off the alarm...he has taken to sleeping with me every night now....it's ok if i get there first, but if i don't...it's the couch for me...he's a bouvier, and until you have experienced bouvier flatulence (not jackie bouvier kennedy) you have never known suffering...so, if i don't get there first, it's his poop chute on my pillow instead of his head!!...today is shaping up to be quite the day...i think the mushrooms i picked from the cow pies for last nights pasta sauce were "sillies" (psycicybin mushrooms, magic mushrooms)...that would explain the random thoughts dancing in my head...i thought taking the buddha out in my forest would settle me down...i refer to these woods as my 'back forty'....they are quiet and they stay that way because i post cougar and bear warning signs and then throw a few bones around the start of the trail...still, although i have improved, read on with caution....

when i was young , my bad hockey girls (yet again) took me with them to pick mushrooms in the cow fields on the edge of town...for some reason they always put me out in a field by myself with a couple of stubbies (am i old or what!) of beer and would return for me when it was time to go...well one day, after consuming my beers, i had to pee....couldn't see anybody or anything around so i dropped my bell bottom jeans...la di da...and no shit (no pun intended) i hear heavy breathing over my shoulder...i reacted so fast that i stood up, pee'd on my birkenstocks (yet again!!) and tripped over my levi's back into the biggest cow pie i have ever seen ...and i swear that cow was laughing at me....i ate a lot of beef after that hoping one of those burgers was that damn cow!!....so for lulu, it was a long, long, lonely walk home...the man with the 'honey wagon' picked me up and threw me in the back with his mix for the last few miles home...needless to say, despite being a team, my hockey girls never took me out for mushrooms again...

random thoughts....'hemorrhoids are gods gift to assholes'....'hearse ~ father time's delivery van'...hell hath no fury like an asshole with a lawyer...make that a 2 year old with a lawyer'....'two wongs don't make a right....but you can have one hell of a ping pong game'....these little thoughts brought to mind family suppers at uncle ernie and aunty ellen's, where uncle ernie, right after blessings at their traditional holiday table, and as he was just about to spear that first piece of turkey, would say..."everytime you masturbate, god kills a kitten"...the look of horror and despair on my older cousins erwin and eddy's faces was unbelievable.... those words always sent them flying away from the table, fighting over the can of WD 40, racing up the stairs and tearing the mattresses apart...when i got old enough to actually understand what uncle ernie said, i could never figure out why those randy cousins of mine didn't just keep the bed springs 'lubricated' all year long...maybe they were always to busy giving 'thanks'....

i'm starting to feel less 'shroomy' now so you should be safe...my friend dolly invited me to her knitting group on sunday afternoon, stitch and bitch, but she always seems to forget how dangerous i am...i run with scissors...i admit i have knitting needles, but i use them for my souvlaki on the grill...my sister does the same souvlaki thing with her knitting needles, but she has shish kabob skewers that she knits with!!...i think today i have learned that alice isn't the only girl to have had bizarre experiences with mushrooms...tweedle dum, tweedle dee xox

2009-10-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

oh kids....it's so exciting to have good friends!! life is one big birthday party, sometimes without the cake, but....if there's one thing i've learned, it's that "you can't have your cake and edith too"....i was magically transported to see ani difranco last night....what can i say...she never ceases to amaze me with her strong lyrics and brilliant delivery of them...my favourite t-shirt last night "captalism is the devil's wet dream"....check out her righteous babe records sight...there are other exciting artists to be found there....www.righteousbabe.com....

so...because i skipped out of my little corner of the world yesterday, today the housework remains...to be seen...i must tell you about a local organization i proudly belong to...the international association of intellectual homemakers....our motto is "never let on".....we strive to have simple plans for meals and housework and let all those around us think we worked hard for it..never letting on that it is out of the box, etc....at the supermarket yesterday i invited a man, bob, to join because his wife is sick and he needed some soup for her...i told him all the tricks ie. buy the expensive (i never said we try to save money!) ready to serve chicken noodle soup, go home, put it in a pot, heat it up, make sure to put various kitchen utensils in the washed pile, lovingly serve the wife, and the next time he wants a favour, it's all but guaranteed!!! some people make life so complicated...i won't name names, but it's not always "a good thing", and we don't read martha stewart's 'living' magazine here in my little corner of the world...i was honoured with the front page of the last association newsletter for my original and appealing 'chicken fingers'....i'll post the recipe when i have photos to go along with it...i must sign off, my iv drip of coffee is ready to be hooked up by my wet nurse...stay strong, fly the international association of intellectual homemakers flag, cheers lulu

a few quick thoughts from my little corner of the world....

2009-10-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

i do apologize for not spending a lot of time with you today, but there are apples to pick, laundry to fold, fir needles everywhere (google pine needle art richard carpenter, if you can do that in your little corner of the world) and litter boxes to clean...yes, i still have cats...three left...what was i thinking!!....the youngest one was 'free' (except for the flea collars, fumigator and other sundries that totaled $400)...she's on crack...she is so bizarre, that she doesn't even have a name...(sometimes it's... get off those curtains!! stop that you little buggar!! god damn it would you get out of the dryer!!) we usually just call her 'the baby' now, although she answers to 'good girl sally'...sally is my anorexic cat...i have to keep her in the house so she won't blow away!! the other cat is chloe...she has an eating disorder as well...it started when 'the baby' arrived...i have to put on a back brace to lift her up!! spooner didn't have food issues, just curiousity....he was a big boy though...did some hefty damage to that idiot ted's ride on mower!! some pet psychiatrist could make a fortune working with my cats or die trying....

my friend immi...i taught her everything she knows...and some things she doesn't...

2009-10-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

imogen heap...2002 japan....i stir her heart...xox

Imogen Heap 'Candlelight' live in Japan

top of the morning!!!.....about bottoms.....

2009-10-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

well...lulu has woken up bright and cheery this am despite a night of partying (it feels like my nose is growing....that brings to mind grandmama's generous offer to me as a child...a nose job!! yes, well other kids were being offered ponies and go carts, lulu was offered rhinoplasty...sucks to be little lulu...)...

while my mind is still focused on last night's below the waist blog, i will share 2 little events with you from my little corner of the world...the first is a winter story...burt and gordon are two of my neighbours, next door to each other, across from me...they tend to make cranky over small things...gordon is anal retentive, a fuss pot, while burt is just a fun guy...they have an ongoing battle about burt's son writing his name in pee on gordon's front walk after every fresh snowfall...last winter i dashed outside after hearing gordon ranting and raving about his newly decorated front walk...he shouted at burt, "your son's been writing his name in pee on my front walk again!"....burt took a look and just smiled and said "well it's your daughter's handwriting!"...sucks to be gordon....

the other little story is from last summer at the beach...dennis (our local rebound guy) was at the beach surrounded by women....dale (our librarian) walked up to dennis very disappointed..."hey, dennis, you are always surrounded by beautiful women. what can i do so hot chics will notice me?".....dennis took a quick look up and replied, "stick a potato in your speedo".....the next afternoon, dale returned to dennis and complained, "dennis, i did what you said, and i have walked up and down this beach all day. no women have looked at me, crap, even no guys have looked at me. why?".....dennis glanced up at dale and said, "you're supposed to put the potato in the front!!"....who knew the power of potatoes...besides the irish...

words of wisdom....

2009-10-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

i am not sure if all of you know or not, but i'm a bit of an intellectualist...no...intellecteur....no...oh i've got it!.....intellectual!!... there are times when i like to share some of the wisdom that has struck a chord with me..."Only good girls keep diaries; the bad girls don't have time." tallulah bankhead....does a blog count as a diary??..."Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere."....i don't know who wrote that...i think i am going to hell as i have been around ~ no ~ i mean i have gone a lot of places..."Don't give it away it's all you've got. Once they've got it they won't love you anymore." grandmama...from the day i was born!.... i am still trying to figure out what it is i've got that 'they' want!!...

...my bestest friend in the whole world, phat tommy, died last halloween, very sad....i miss him so very much...we were writing a book together, which i am going to finish on my own as my tommy would have liked...anyhow, besides being the best artist and the bestest friend, he had a lot of wise words, and even though he wasn't quite in my little corner of the world, his words touch me deeply and i think they will touch you too....and on halloween night, as the fireworks go off and everyone is partying...look up to heaven and wave to my tommy, because he is up there waving down at you....xoxo....i want to share some of tommy's wisdom with you 'cause i love you all so much...

...Our economic structure creates homelessness. We make heroes out of some guy who eats S'roids and kicks a football instead of someone who saves lives and delivers babies or is kind to animals. WE belong to the planet NOT it belongs to us. Collectively, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves for screwing the Paradise we've been given. Maybe that's hardwire too? Trading your time for money doesn't make sense to everyone. You can trade your time for money...but ALL the money in the world can't buy back your time. Get desperately ill and see how much your money means then. Money will be here long after we've gone. What counts is what you can take with you, like the goodness and kindness you've left for OTHERS. I can't remember all the stuff over the years I've hustled to buy. But I do remember Auntie B 40 years ago who made great cheese sandwiches and let me have sleepovers after my Dad died. What would you give to see one more time, your loved ones who are gone? Fast fwd that...you have loved ones right now that are being ignored for "money" that will be gone. Don't know what you got...till. Simplicity has been corrupted. I remember during the last year of my Mother's life, she was a shut in...she'd sit at her table waiting for my daily visits, we'd play cards and I'd bring peanuts to hide in a tree she could see from her window. The squirrels would come and hunt for them. I remember the laughter and delight she got watching them, watching the back of Teddy the wonder dog's head as he watched too. That was what I surrendered the last 10 years of my life to do. She wasn't well, so I tried to treat each day like it would be her last...that's priceless. I was alone with Mum when she died. Right in my arms. Killed me, but how fitting. When you're an only, and lose a parent early it draws your family very close, we'd been through a lot together. I'm crying as I write this. Do and say what you can NOW because you may not get a 2nd chance. Gotta go.

another saturday in my little corner of the world....

2009-10-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

just another saturday in my little corner of the world....after my porridge for breakfast, i head to the saturday market...i'm supposed to shop for fresh veggies and such, but, since i am being honest with you...i only go so i can get an ice cream cone from ernest and lisette...chocolate, 2 scoops, waffle cone (don't tell the ladies at diabetic kindergarten)....of course now that ice cream is over for the season here in my little corner of the world...i have to settle for ernest's dutch chocolate...

...and of course, there is always visiting that goes on as you run into friends and neighbours....so the first big story today was that loretta has left ted, and is staying and playing at dennis' house...dennis is our local rebound guy...busier than a hockey goalie and makes a lot less money...still...he doesn't complain...and who could blame loretta for leaving ted?...the guy mows his lawn and people's cats in the middle of the night!! girls on the rebound usually stay with dennis until he can no longer pull the wool over their eyes, but all parties seem to part with no regrets....i once asked dennis how he feels about having to take on the big responsibility of ladies on the rebound....he said his 'responsibilty' is big....but he's man enough to handle it!..he had this odd little grin on his face...

....lots of halloween stuff at the market and at the local stores....my little neighbour came over one year as his family was in the throws of setting up their halloween 'display'......"hey, where's all your decorations?".....i said, "do know about scrooge and christmas?".... he replied that he did..."well, i am the scrooge of halloween!!"...."that's ok, we have the grave of marley on our front lawn....i hope it scares the dickens out of you!!"....no...really...i do like children....if they're cooked properly!!...just kidding...or not...katie potato went out trick or treating for the first time and was amazed that you just knock on the door and say trick or treat and they put candy in your bag...each year, i buy less and less candy....i try to make certain i have snacks containing peanuts or made in a factory with peanuts...the allergic kids never seem to come back...i just stay home, turn on the porch light, stick a huge bowl of candy on the porch and enjoy my evening...no knocking at the door, no dog barking from the knocking at the door....the next day, i go out and pull all the toilet paper out of the trees, clean the eggs off the windows, and wash all the grafitti off my car...another uneventful halloween in my little corner of the world....

little announcement...

2009-10-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

for those of you who don't live in my little corner of the world...little announcement, but big news!! ani difranco is on the west coast right now!! tonight seattle wa., sunday bellingham wa., tuesday vancouver b.c., and wednesday victoria bc......even if you have been saving up your money to visit my little corner of the world, i think you should spend it to go see ani....she stirs my heart xoxxox

Ani DiFranco

shopping OUTSIDE of my little corner of the world....

2009-10-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

today i dug in the deep freeze (it sounds more impressive than 'freezer') for my....costco card!!....yes folks it's true...i do have a costco card...it's not something i'm proud of, or like to discuss with people i don't know really well, and there are still a few people out there that i don't know well...i think that because i am laid up with my wooden leg breaking and all, that i thought it would be ok to stroke the red, white and blue plastic...there's a kinda photo on there of some freakingly terrifying person...what's with that?? takes a lot of the pleasure out of it....

....so, my experiences with costco go back many, many years...one day, we got word, here in my corner of the world, that if you drove for just a little over an hour, you could go to this place called costco....at that time, to join (can you believe it's a membership? i always forget to list that under organizations and affiliations on my CV) you had to belong to some other group or business....i was ok because my business partner and i joined with our art business, "silent partners, art for the tastefully impaired"....they were chomping at the bit to sign us!! the first time i went there i felt like a deer caught in the headlights, totally overwhelmed after coming out of my little corner of the world...but in no time at all, i had thrown my little katie potato out of the 'buggy' and filled it with attractive, tastey and unnecessary items....after a few visits, i was getting out of control...i would shop like a junkie looking for the fix i left somewhere, and couldn't quite find...i would buy so much stuff, that i would have to tie katie potato to the roof so i could fit the $400 worth of diapers in the car (katie potato was lactose intolerant)....in time, i recognized this sad addiction that i had, and worked with many counsellors for many long hours to defeat this monster....to prove my power over the beast, and my unbelievable strength, i kept my card...in the deep freeze under the tilapia filets...under the frozen hash....browns, under the case of frozen peas (bought at costco 7 years ago!)....and after a lot of thought on costco and the dangers involved, i have come to the conclusion that the next 'survivor' locale should be costco!!! .....anybody can survive in the bloody jungle!!

my big fat gay diet.....

2009-10-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

back to the basics....homo milk and rainbow bread...

the reason they call it light beer...it's sold with 2 empty bottles!!!

hot chick spice company chocolate wine sauce....

...or is it hot spice chick company....awesome stuff!

hey look....it's elvis!!! he's been here in my computer all along...i never did believe those donut shop sightings and besides...elvis doesn't even like donuts...he like hot chick spice company chocolate wine sauce!!......oh and ME!!!!!

tragedy averted in my little corner of the world...

2009-10-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

tragedy was averted this week as the local security forces had to shoot down this dangerous intruder plane....we are happy to report that both pilots ejaculated prior to impact, saving themselves from certain death...

greg laswell.....'how the day sounds'....

2009-10-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

....i think i found dave mattews' twin......separated at birth! ....he stirs my heart..xoxox

Greg Laswell - "How the Day Sounds"

tween...

2009-10-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

i'm at that awkward age.....too old for starbucks...and too young for tim horton's....

st patrick's day 2010

2009-10-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

forget the olympics.....the big event for 2010 is st. patrick's day at the brew pub!!....i am busting at the seams (my leprechaun clothes are too tight) and jumping up and down and up in my lucky leprechaun boots because....next st. patrick's day is going to be the best EVER!!!!...tell all your friends and only the neighbours you can afford to lose, that they need to book their flights and hotels right away (not a lot of places to stay here in my little corner of the world, although anyone with room in their queen size bed is always willing to share)....it will be the first one without the physical presence of my lovely colleen, but do your belt up tight because she will definitely be there in spirit, or in the spirits....something like that...anything can happen when the little leprechauns are on the loose!! the photo on the left is col last st. patrick's day before the green beer kicked in...i'm unable to post photos of her after it kicked in...something about questionable content...a few photos of other celebrants at the mercy of last years perverted little leprechaun....breasts seemed to set him off and there was no turning back....

2009-10-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

i have grave concerns about the training these fresh faced young new mcdonald's employees receive.... on the bibs.....yes....mcdonald's has free bibs!....the bibs are covered in some strange characters....they look a lot like characters out of stephen king novels!....slightly demonic...in a mchappy sort of way!...well...the young employees have no idea who these characters are or why they are on the bib...no training whatsoever about these disturbing images!...hold on to your kid's hand a little tighter from now on when you go to mcdonald's and if you have to use a bib (i didn't of course!) place it with the images on the inside, out of sight of these young impressionable minds!.....

...just one other thing while mcdonald's is occupying precious space in my head...what is with the new decor??? have you seen it?? wtf times 10!!! it's like some strange acid flashback from the sixties (not that i would know)....i'd be careful if i were you....timothy leary is not dead...he's alive and working for mcdonald's as an interior designer!!!...and a fireplace?? good god!...isn't it time they learned that flames are for the burger!!....they should move the fireplace into the back and bring the microwave out front! we already chop years off our lives every time we go there...and...

...i have a sneaking suspicion that they put highly addictive secret chemicals in their food....why else would we get "big mac attacks"??....it can't all be explained by 'marijawanna'....admit it...their food is bad with a capital B...yet we will eagerly go in there to get our fix....and...the saddest thing of all...we will roll into the drive through and sit for an hour waiting for it...in my little corner of the world, we have accepted mcd's as a nesessary evil...can't have all our locals 'jonesin' for mchappy (prozac comes to mind) meals or come bergers (viagra)...oops.... sorry...filet of fish...becuase some drugs were slipped in their mcflurry (ecstasy).....hope i haven't spoiled your appetite....stay strong, don't fall for any of their evil twisted ways, cheers, lulu

2009-10-20T10:59:00.001-07:00

sorry....but i just have a few more questions about headlights....why are they called headlights when they are not on your head, they don't look like heads, they don't give h....oh sorry...and why do they put headlights on ride-on lawnmowers?? are you supposed to wait until dark and then try to secretly mow the lawn so the neighbours don't know?? in my little corner of the world, only the driver wears earplugs, not the sleeping neighbours...and when we want to hide things from the neighbours, we walk softly and carry night vision goggles (not that i would know)....if curiousity killed my cat (his name was spooner, not because he liked to 'spoon', but because he had a penchant for stealing my teaspoons out of the diswasher when i was otherwise occupied) it was only because he was checking out what the hell ted was doing mowing his damn lawn in the middle of the night!!! sucks to be spooner......

2009-10-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

i have exciting news for you...i got a new vacuum cleaner on the weekend!! (questions...how come expensive vacuums have a head light?? am i supposed to be vacuuming in the dark? sort of like those people on csi always arriving at crime scenes with only a flashlight to look for clues?? in my mind, if you can come up with something as great as dna analysis, you would think when they first arrive at the murder scene, they would just turn on the lights?? if the vacuum light is for looking under beds and in nooks an crannies, that would be a waste. people don't lay on the floor to look under the bed and see what the vacuum has lit up, do they?? and stuff in nooks and crannies BELONGS in nooks and cranies...oh...and can you buy replacement headlights for your vacuum cleaner when the original wears out?? and doesn't it hurt the environment using the extra energy of the headlight when you don't need it?? like vacuuming in the DAYTIME?? just wondering.....)

... oh yeah....my new vacuum...it's got one of those clear dirt catcher thingys.....i've never experienced anything more orgasmic in my whole life!! you should see all the dirt that came out of my rug...i was overwhelmed!! i had to keep vacuuming and then looking into the clear canister to see what treasures i had found...and then...spent...i would have to sit down...all the while, my mind was racing, searching for more cruddy places in my house to suck up into the dream machine...i do worry, that when (more likely IF) my house gets clean, i will slip out at night (maybe there IS a reason for the light...) and intrude on other peoples' dirty rugs to get my fix...i guess that's when i will need to go to safeway and speak to....'the rug doctor'......!

2009-10-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

well kids....thanksgiving was a week ago today....it was columbus day in america...my american friend explained to me in no uncertain terms, that columbus day celebrates christopher columbus and not columbus ohio....just so that's clear....here in my little corner of the world we like to stray from tradition when it comes to holiday foods....that's not to say that i haven't cooked a turkey or two in my lifetime, but thanksgiving is just not the time for that!....

...we started out with cocktails (why are they called cock tails when it is something you drink??)....tequila cesears, rimmed with hot chick spice company gomashio, with limes and cucumber spears...for the kids we leave the hot sauce out...next was kolbassa...lots of it, and exceptionally good quality....cheese followed...every kind imaginable (except that bizarre orange/red cone of cheese that my sister buys in france....sucks to be french)...which came first? the chicken or the egg? which came first? the cheese or the cracker? definitely the chesse!!....desert followed, pie....not pumpkin pie....spanikopita....spinach pie!!...turkey free dinner means none of those relatives snoozing in your easy chair from an overdose of tryptophan.....no 'let's put the turkey neck on sleeping uncle joe's lap and snap a picture'....i thought long and hard (that's good right?) about what i am thankful for....

....firstly, i am thankful i am not lactose intolerant!!!...i am thankful that diapers are available in women's XXL (even though i am not lactose intolerant)....oh (just for my dental friend jane) i am thankful for dental floss (yes jane...i floss twice a day!)....chocolate milk from safeway for my coffee....i am thankful that there are still more nice people than assholes in the world, let's keep it that way!!!...i enjoy being pretty and witty, but most of all....i enjoy being gay!!....so kids think of the things you are thankful for now that the tryptophan has worn off, and work exceptionally hard on the asshole thing....stay strong, fly the flag, cheers lulu xoxox

2009-10-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

i'm off to watch ice hockey tonight...yes...lulu was once a superstar, but i try to keep that confidential....no sense in upsetting the wanna beeeesss....thinking about hockey brought back memories of road trips past...my team mates were very, very, bad influences on me....on one trip, the bad girls left me back at the hotel to hold fort while they took over the local bar...what to do by myself at the hotel?...shake the magic fingers coin box (for those of you who don't know what magic fingers is, i will not explain because not knowing must be making your imagination run wild...into dirty places!)...what a lot of money!!...my analytical mind kicked in...the money inside the box was held in a paper cup...very high tech eh??...i borrowed a pair of tweezers from the girl with the unibrow, and slowly ripped the paper cup and pulled it out of the box....all i had to do after that was shake all the money out of the crack (the crack on the box!)....it took a very long time, but at last the big pile of loot was mine....i started to worry that if the box was totally empty, they would know the money had been stolen......so, i put lots of money back in...through the coin slot....which meant....the bed ran for 2 days straight!!!!...to this day, ANYTHING that vibrates, sends me rushing out of the room!!!...i learned a big lesson from this expeience.....crime only pays if you don't put the money back into the vibrating bed...."put in a quarter, turn out the light, magic fingers make you feel alright.." jimmy buffett

2009-10-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

here's today's highlight...parked in front of the 'bibles for missions thrift store'....the "lust and love shop" van....do you think they were picking up or dropping off??

this is what you see and who you find in my little corner of the world...

2009-10-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

it had to start somewhere, so.....this is it....the beginning of your adventures in my little corner of the world.....