I'm back...just in time for another police incident...

just arrived back in my little corner of the world, to my new house, and a police incident...first one car pulled up in front of the house, then another, and another, this just went on and on...i didn't know we had that many police cars in my little corner of the world! at first i was a little concerned they were here to see me, but no, they left their cars and walked down the street to who knows where...maybe there was a surprise party...a short time later, they all paraded back to their cars, sans goodie bags...i stood in the front window, folding my sexy boy shorts in the hope the cute little lesbian cop would be doing surveillance of my house...nope, she hopped into her car and left...my mind is running wild trying to come up with a crime, a good reason for her to come back to my house and frisk and strip search me...

so my latest confusion, there's "tai chi", but then there's "chai tea", wtf? it's all double dutch to me...and who names all these damn teas? or coffee for that matter...i just bought "kick ass coffee" from the kicking horse coffee company...i like it better at the market, the coffee lady takes all her scrap beans and leftovers at the end of the week and mixes them together and bags them...now that's a true coffee blend...kind of like mystery meat, or shit mix, when you take a little out of every liquor bottle in your parents house so as not to raise suspicion about missing booze...not that lulu ever did that...

must go...going to google some crime ideas as i am far too well behaved to think up any on my own...give me a week or two before you pitch in for bail...

well kids...i am still on my journey...had another bus driving job for a while...

...bon voyage...

hey kids...i'm off on an adventure...not that life here in my little corner of the world isn't an adventure...i'll try and send you postcards, until then, stay strong, fly the flag, cheers, lulu

...i popped my cherry...

it's official...i popped my cherry...with the slow cooker!!...it's one of those things that's in a grey area when it comes to my intellectual homemakers group...it's a timesaver, but it's not a secret...our motto is "never let on"...but with the slow cooker, many people know it's a timesaving/cheating/lazy way to cook...i picked the easiest recipe in the book and it had canned ravioli added at the end along with frozen peas...sounds tasty doesn't it?...the ravioli was as fake dumplings, so i figure it passes the test...

...the date for my hockey debut is looming, so i thought i would try on my gear...don't buy your gear from the thrift store!...thank god i tried it on here, because the game would be over before i was dressed if i hadn't had this dry run...the pants were for someone much slimmer than your little lulu, the shin pads for someone about a foot taller, the shoulder pads for someone aromatically challenged, and the face mask for someone with no chin and jaw...i figure when the opposition sees me, they will be laughing so hard that i'll be able to skate by them and score...i love that word, score...i haven't scored in so long, it's like i'm a born again virgin!

...it's personal...but i'm not shy...

well kids...lulu wants 2010 to be a year filled with vim and vigor...so...i decided to do a liver cleanse...i fasted for 6 hours then drank what seemed like a jug full of olive oil and lemon juice...i then went straight (as straight as i can get) to bed and lay on my right side for an hour with my knees curled up...today i was supposed to wake up pooping out the most exciting stuff, they even said you could put it in a pot and see the coolest things...well, i've waited all day and nothing has come out! what's with that? i have been running around in my astronaut diapers all day afraid to stray far from home...i took the buddha into the woods, but i couldn't find my "how to shit in the woods book", so i was playing fast and loose (oh i wish loose) with having to rely on memory if i had to go...why would they promise such results? it was even extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil...purest according to grandmama...

...i was thinking back to junior high school yesterday and i am amazed i can remember that far back...i went to 'pregnant hill'...half the girls in the class would take most of the semester off to have their babies...our sex education teacher was incompetent...she used to use chalk to draw ovaries on her dress...i think she just should have stressed how to defend those ovaries from the attacking sperm...our principal was a religious fanatic who used the school for some kind of freaked out rituals every weekend where they toss the people into a giant bucket of water...every monday that damn bucket would be in front of my locker...his nick name was hose nose...i should talk!...my band teacher was an old scottish guy who spent his life in military bands...we so lucked out with him...instead of being some strict, hard nosed stickler for the regimented life, he was a tippler, a really busy tippler...we used to order buses and throw our instrument cases in, hop on board and just ride around...band class with him should have counted as geography!!...

...and hot dog sales...lulu was in charge of hot dog sales...144 hotdogs every friday...we used to have to eat the leftover ones, so we used high pressure sales tactics...and home economics...that was cruel...boys were making tables and metal crafts, but girls were cooking food from the last century and then sewing a dress from the 1600's...now there were a few things that i didn't really care to eat, so i would quietly slip those ingredients into the trash...mrs. horton (no relation to tim of doughnut fame) would come and search the damn trash...i finally learned to pop the stuff into someone else's trash...i think that's what they mean by education...oh and those were the days of streaking...everyday at lunch a different guy would run across the sports fields and then spend a leisurely week at home on suspension...the guys liked to release the parking brakes off the cars of visitors, give them a little push and gleefully watch them roll down the hill...we stopped getting visitors to the school...and your lulu had to write lines...the worst one ever was five hundred of "while in this establishment of higher learning, i must refrain from keeping my physical education attire in the emerald clothing compartments"...sucks to be lulu...